Jokes from Evgeny Petrosyan - monologues, jokes, quotes from performances: Best selection

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Petrosyan jokes - quotes from performances

Petrosyan jokes - quotes from performances:

A smile on the face - how much it means. When everyone laughs, when no one is crying.
A cactus is a cucumber deeply disappointed in life.
Love is a bullet with a displaced center that hits the heart, turns its pockets and goes sideways.
Chekhov comedy "Cherry Orchard" - today is no longer a comedy.
You know, there is such an expression: "Smart at night." This is about people who at night understand that they did not do it during the day ...
Humor needs a person as a therapist. It helps to exhale from the body all unnecessary. He is like a filter. He turns all the negative into positive in the body.
The meanings of the words: “not sparing your abdomen” - these are our tourists at the Swedish table; "Galichea" - I am Gali's mother; "Teahouse" - the tea is over.
Lysin is the same curls, but only in the last stage of development.
But we have humor, so that you know just in case, the best in the world, the brightest, paradoxical, metaphorical, and therefore artistic.
The main thing is not to be a person, but to remain him.
A comedian cannot influence the minds and worldview. He can influence the mood. All my life I tried to cheer up our man, make him smile.
Those who suffered a lot laugh in life most.
If you can swear in a public place, then you can humiliate another person, you can smoke, fight, and rape, and steal, and kill.
Laughter is necessary, but, of course, in certain doses.
If this door did not lead to the corridor, then he would have led somewhere else ...
Earn your respect is the main thing for me.
Boys, do not believe that there are no trees and cones in paradise. Do not believe that there are only clouds. Believe me. After all, I am an old bird. And the milk teeth changed for a long time. So long ago that I don’t remember their smell.
Mentally with you always. Your dad is a vulture.
It is better to kill a person than to make his slave your desires.
Only rarely expressed people know how to pronounce such murderous phrases in their simplicity.
It does not happen that all the obedient bores gather in one group, and in another, all uncontrollable psychos. It's impossible.
The older sisters wipe the noses, of course, to the younger brothers, but they run to the vest to cry to someone else.

Evgeny Petrosyan - jokes for adults

Evgeny Petrosyan - jokes for adults:

From the resume: "I know languages: Kazakh, Belarusian and Ukrainian at the level of air freshener ..."
Andrei Gubin made a drunken fight in a mini-bar.
Cristiano Ronaldo was hospitalized with a hairstyle injury.
The killer of Pushkin and the killer of Lermontov then fired at a duel for a super -cup.
The bullet that got into the school teacher went out and went as expected.
There are no rappers in the north, because it is difficult to grow on the street there.
To the indignation of the teacher: “Have you forgotten your head at home?”, The son of a butcher with a malicious smile climbed into the portfolio.
The master of the paintwork workshop for the second year thinks that he works with a partner.
Shishkin, drawing “Morning in the pine forest”, pretended to be dead several times.
“I am as usual,” said Angelina Jolie, going to the children's shelter.
If not for racism, people and blacks would have lived in peace and harmony.
Putana Stella came to the program “her own game” and gave herself on the question “Girls for 200”.
Mongol doctors knock down the temperature with a stick.
The Roman approaches the rack and shows the bartender two fingers: I have five mugs of beer!
The son of the director of the factory for the manufacture of toilet paper for all matinees comes in a costume of mummy.
Ad. Ritual Services Bureau "Pink Catapult": always non -standard solutions.
A one -eyed boy in matinees is always a pirate.
The presenter of the "store on the couch" got drunk and arranged a fight in the studio. But that's not all! If you call right now, he will beat his wife and go to sleep in the porch.
If you put in a number of photographs of all husbands Alla Pugacheva, then you can remove the "mysterious story of Benjamin Batton."
Archbishop of Penza cannot afford “Lamborgini Diablo” only for religious reasons.
A fire at the exhibition of evacuation schemes took hundreds of lives.
Call to the circus:
- Hello! I am talking a horse and I want to work for you.
- Hello. What do you know how?
- Juggle, bl ... b!
An unscrupulous bureau translator for a week instead of news announced an announcement about the sale of his car.
- Mother Mother! The Christmas tree is on!
- Son, does not burn, but shines.
- Mother Mother! Curtains shine!
The leading weather forecast came to work, a drunken one and during the air showed on a synoptic map not only the anticyclone, but also where he served.
The traffic cop Ivanov stopped the presidential motorcade in the forty -ninth year of his life.
I have to sleep thinking about her!
It turns out that there were much more brothers of the smash at the beginning of their career.
The carousel from the amusement park got into prison for the rotation of young people.
The register of prohibited sites has entered the register of prohibited sites, as it contains information about prohibited sites.
After parting with her, he lay on the couch for days, scratching his broken heart.
This month two new books were published at once: Vadim Zeland and “if your husband is a drug addict” Galina Zeland.
According to experts, the price of domestic cars should take shape at the rate of five rubles per kilogram.
If you are incorrectly collect certificates for the privatization of the apartment, you can accidentally issue a passport.
In the childhood of Nikolai Valuev, classmates teased Nikolai.
Inna slept with a guy on the first date. So that he did not think that she is always like that, the next morning the girl made a very strict face.
At the competition in Break Dance, he won the dumb, trying to warn everyone about the fire.
Casting of actors for a porn movie. The guy comes. They look at him: a tall, pleasant appearance, well complicated, shabby.
They say to him: it seems that you are suitable for us. Tell us a little about yourself.
He answers:
“You know, I don't have it.” At all!
“So what ... have you come here?!”
- I thought, maybe you need negative heroes ...
- Hello girl! I have bread, please.
- We only have socks.
- Okay, let's half black.
Taking advantage of the inattention of the buyer, the employee of McDonald's did not smile.
- Mom, let me put you parachute myself!
Note to girls: the best gift is a gift made by your lips!
Kai Metov released a new album. Five more albums remain hostage.
In our electric trains, the stations are announced in the same language in which doctors write.
Doctor - Patient: How do you like new candles from insomnia? Patient: Great, doctor! I do not even have time to pull out a finger.
A boy from Morocco, fulfilling the teacher's request to wet a rag, went to the well for 5 days
If you look at the fire for a long time, then you will be fired from the Ministry of Emergencies.
Say the "hangover" with an emphasis on the last syllable. Feel the shadow of the vineyard, the taste of young gods, the comfort of the wine cellar ...
Nothing invigorates in the morning like a cup flying out of the knee joint.
- Want some tea?
- Mmm, what a pleasant taste and aroma, and so strong, what kind of tea is it? Lipton, Erlgry?
- whiskey.
-Do you want a joke about psychologists?
-Yes.
-And why?
Vitaly came home in such a bad mood that his wife, not knowing what he now wanted, fell naked in dumplings.
“Do you have a bad mood, Madame Sofa?”
- Yes, you know ... Today we only managed to eat a fish ...
Sarah lived in a happy marriage for 20 years. It took her 5 husbands.
The girl becomes a woman when he first says: "This is a good bag, do not throw it away."
- Darling, I have long wanted to tell you how ...
- Yes? And what, what? I'm listening to!
- ... How did you fuck up to interrupt.
As a child, they didn’t buy anything to me: if you want a bicycle- finish the school year without triples, you want a skate- dig a garden, you want a new phone- help repair the car, you want a new game disk help your grandmother make repairs. Therefore, I had nothing.
- I'm afraid I can’t win the tender of your company.
- And we argue by 15%, what can you?
Each woman is unique in itself. But if she is too unique, then she is on her own.
Courage, determination, honesty - these are the three main features of alcohol intoxication.
The resistance of the conductor, as a rule, is much greater than the resistance of the conductor.
State Duma deputies complain, because they have not yet been given apartments in January.
Leonardo da Vinci not only invented a tank and helicopter, but also dreamed of Mendeleev, dressed in a table.
So that the concert does not break - Arkady Ukupnik blocked the doors of the minibus.
The new album of Nikita Malinin was released, now on CD - RW.
Evgeny Grishkovets called pizza and spoke a new book to the answering machine.
A multi -level parking lot was opened in Chelyabinsk. You can get to the next level by interrupting all enemies on the previous one.
- Dear passengers, the Tu -134 aircraft sits down. Those who have charging from Tu -134, please go to the cockpit.

The best jokes of Evgeny Petrosyan

The best jokes of Evgeny Petrosyan:

- Without food, a person can live six weeks. - And the meaning? - And what's the point? You can live all your life without sense.
What is the sense of life? - Now I can't say. The Internet is disconnected.
One cigarette reduces life by 11 minutes. One sex session extends life for 15 minutes. So, gentlemen, smokers, will have to ...!
- You are the best that I had in my life ... - Yes, you have a fig life.
Sometimes it is not clear what purpose a man who succeeded in life pursued: to deliver joy to his wife or to annoy my mother -in -law.
Life is short, and you need to try everything in it, if you want to make it even shorter.
Two embryos in the womb: - Do you believe in life after birth? - I don’t know, no one has returned from there yet ...
In life I made many mistakes. But being sober on the weekend is already too much.
Life is such a thing that you want two things.
Life, as a weather forecast: everything comes true, just at the wrong time.
If you do not spend money on Bukhtyshko and women, then salaries are enough for a month. But is this life? He devoured, and life is beautiful.
It is not enough to start a new life from Monday. It is important not to finish it already on Wednesday.
There is only a moment between the former and the future, it is he who is called life.
Life is not chess, one mat is not enough!
Nezhdaniki make life more fun.
Something I began to recover from a calm life! Urgently need a rare bastard to pat nerves!
I do not have life, but a continuous gain in experience.
Well, what is this life?! There is no goal, only obstacles ... - How is life? - Moham would like ...
Life is like a cube of a chip. I set up one side, it is better not to look at others - there is a complete trinde.
Whenever a pipets happens in my life, I think that it is complete and final, but it turns out that it is only intermediate.
Sometimes I think about whether I do everything right with my life, but then I remember that I do nothing and calm down at all.
- In general, son, our life is like fishing - you just sit and wait, periodically drinking.
The absence of tea in the apartment upsets me much more than the lack of meaning in life.
Life continues, the planet is spinning, dumplings cook.
The biggest problems in the life of a man begin with the woman’s words: “I thought here ...”
Me: - Everything is in chocolate! Life: - Sniff.
On TV, every day they say that life is better and better with us. I hugged the TV, sitting and crying. I don't know how to get on the TV.
I lead a healthy lifestyle: alcohol, cores and women. Is not that great?
Everyone has a zebra life, and I have a black man.
In the life of every man there should be something bright. For example, beer.
Life is a holiday, but working on holidays is not accepted.
In life, you need to be unpredictable and insidious, like a cucumber with a bitter ass.
Trust harder than smoking.
The smaller the vocabulary, the stronger the verbal diarrhea.
Life is motion. Especially if it is a sex life.
Life must be lived as a day in front of the pay: constantly smiling and rubbing in anticipation of the hand.
Everything is going well. Only by ...
If a sudden bright spot in your life suddenly began to strain, then immediately stop looking at the electric welding.
Before you teach me life without demand, present your “Ideal Certificate”.
Some people are dying over the years, others become older.
The world is full of psychos. If you do not want to see them, the door, the window of the window and break the mirror.
Life must be lived so that it is not painfully painful for aimlessly acquired money.
Now about the eternal. Forever I am without money ...
No matter how good you are a person. Anyway, in someone’s story you are the same scum ...
I have a very kind heart! I dream of chopping around people on meat and feeding them homeless cats.
The higher the goal set for you, the more convenient to look at it lying.
Life is changeable. At some moments you are on a horse, in some you are a horse.
Show me a person who has no problems, and I will find a scar from a traumatic brain injury.
Life looks like a zebra - first a black strip, then an ass, then a blow with a hoof.
I would be glad to love my neighbors, but somehow there are too many of them.
After the sin of gluttony, you become clumsy in the sin of adultery.
If things go badly, then let them pass by. This is not yours!
On the balcony we are psychologists. In the kitchen - politicians. On the Web are philosophers. And only in life - as they were dungeons, so they remained.
Even if the zombie Apocalypse begins, nothing threatens me, I will be there.
Take from life everything you can! And what is impossible ... take it, but carefully ...
Life is a slow sliding of Birochka from hand to foot ...
It is necessary to do many actions to earn confidence, and only one, so that everything is enchanting to get everything.
A wallet - like a bulb: opened - cried.
Love life! It will still make it possible, so at least for love!

Petrosyan jokes - short jokes

Petrosyan jokes - short jokes:

The woman came to the healer and says: "Here my husband is not very active in the evenings ..."
The healer gives her a bag of powder and says that pour every evening a pinch in a pinch in dinner and everything will be ok. My wife made dinner dumplings, without thinking twice, poured the whole bag into the plate and went to spread the bed ....
Then a husband runs up with huge round eyes (like saucers) and shouts:
- Wife, did you see how dumplings are shaken?
- Not.
- So go look!

The neighbor asked a friend to install the program on the laptop. He did everything, and put a photo of his kitten on the screensaver. His friend looked, put a huge member instead of a kitten. The acquaintance did not notice and gave the laptop.
She calls in an hour later:
- Sash, and whose it is on the screen?
- My! Come, let me stroke!

- I was resting with my grandfather, so he has a cool moonshine! In the evening I drank a little and in the morning, as I was born again!
- In terms of?
- Well, they found in cabbage!

Mathematics teacher fell ill. The lesson is replaced by a physical education teacher. He speaks:
- Now, children, we will solve the problem with you. 2 nails, 4 bolts and wheel put on one bowl of weights
From the bicycle, and on the other - 10 mosquitoes. The question is, how old are I?
Vovochka first raises his hand:
- 24 years.
- How do you know?
- When I was 12 years old, my mother said to me in the morning: "Get up, half -shoes!"

Call to the office:
- Hello, is this a pharmacy?
-Sorry, but you were mistaken, this is actually an office.
- It cannot be, I definitely drew a pharmacy number!
-In a sense, you are right, there are full of all sorts of poisonous snakes, but still this is an office.

The journalist finds out from the farmer what the cause of the cow's rage is.
He stares at her and says:
- Do you know that the bull jumps onto the cow once a year?
- Suppose ... well, what does it have to do with it?
- Do you know that we will reach the cows four times a day?
- Valuable information, but ...
- Well, now if I were crumbling your boobs four times a day, and I would have flicked once a year, would you not be furious?

A call in the live broadcast of the youth radio station:
-Someone got through to us, you are on the air.
- Hi.
- Please introduce yourself.
- My name is Golovaclen.
- How how?
- Golovachen.
-Zalupa or what?
- You yourself are chipped, Lena Golovach me!

Grannies sit in the courtyard at the entrance on the bench.
Then a steep jeep hers, a new Russian comes out of it, sees the grannies and begins to run into: what did the old purse, at my entrance, in kind?
One of the grandmothers replies: what are you, son, to us Rugaissi? You do not respect old age.
I’ll complain about you to my granddaughter, he will not give offense to me.
- What?! What kind of granddaughter? What, a specific kid? So let it tank for a disassembly tomorrow, we will pute. In short, grandmother, pass on your granddaughter, tomorrow at five in this place the shooter.
- Light, give it.
The next day, five jeeps and brother came to the entrance, dispersed around the yard, cordoned off the entrance, bits, machine guns, everything is as it should be. New Russian at the head of the brigade. Grannies sit on the same bench.
-Well, grandmother, where is your granddaughter?
-Yes, somewhere it. And where - hto knows him, he is a sniper

Parents returned from the summer house, on which they spent the whole weekend:
Dad: Well, hello, son, how did you spend time?
Son: Everything is fine, wrote the coursework. On Monday, after all, take it.
Mom: Exactly? And did not bring friends?
Son: No, no. He did not call anyone.
Dad: And did not invite the girl to visit?
Son: No, of course!
Mom: So you spent all the weekend alone in an empty apartment, participating in the lessons?
Son: Well, yes!
Dad: Well, you are a loshara.
Mom: And Homic.

A veterinarian with a student student. Teaches a trainee of cattle to give laxatives to give:
- You take the pills in your mouth, take a pipe with a half, at one end of the horse in your mouth, and you blow yourself! Understood?
- Understood.
The next day, the trainee came 2 hours later than usual all pale green.
- What are you? - asks the veterinarian.
- The horse blew first!
Two children are talking. One asks the other:
- How much 9 x 8 will be?
- I do not know.
- So they don’t say - “I don’t know”, we need to say “not recognize”.
The unfamiliar woman hearing this conversation says to them:
- No, guys, you are both wrong: they don’t say neither “I don’t know”, nor “not recognize.”
- And how are they saying?
- I do not know.
“Then what the hell are you getting into the conversation?”

A man and a cat are sitting. “Eh,” the man says, “my wife gave birth to triple yesterday.” “Don't worry,” the cat answers, “you will give it out.”
“Dear, why do you never call me affectionate words?” ... - “What are this?” ... - “Well ... there .... Zone .... Busechka ”... -“ Wow, a hackie .... - you are mine!"..
- Darling, what a beautiful new blouse you have! - (She playfully) And I have nothing under it - (he, without looking up from the TV), do not worry, they will grow yet!

Do you probably have a beautiful wife?
-Yes, how did you guess?
-You are a freak, and the children are pretty ...

“I need a cat filler.”
- This is a store for taxiders.
- I know.

- Listen, imagine, they send me on a business trip. In Colombia!
- Of course, bring!

- Darling, are you sleeping?
- Not.
- This is good. Then turn face to me.
- I don't want to, you ate onions.
- And you are peas!

- Yes, you hesitated me! You come back late at night, pigs in the corridor, rattle dishes, wake me up!
- Will!

- Mom, mom, a snake bit me, I urgently need an antidote!
- Okay, son, I will buy it now, but it is as if you are on your birthday.

- Mom, I want to eat.
- Well, break yourself two eggs.
“Damn, can I also break my hand, so you give me a meal?”

- Where did you get this magic wand?
- The queen of the elves gave me.
- Wow! And where is the magic wand?

Announcement call:
- Hello, hello, is this repair of laptops?
- Yes.
“Could you call your middle name?” I am interested in what kind of middle name a person with the name and surname can be repairs of laptops.

Mom laughs:-Ha ha! The apple never falls far from the tree!
He is your real son!
Detector: “Bi-and-ip!”.

Once a neighbor walked with a six -year -old son and he hit his head on the playground. There was not even a bump on her head, but she was frightened that he could have a concussion. Even after she laid the child to sleep, from time to time she went into his bedroom, woke her son and asked his name. When she once again went to him, she saw a sticker glued to his forehead. On the sticker, the marker was written: "My name is Artem."

I am four years old, a children's clinic, we stand with my mother in line. A boy of about the same age runs past, stops, looks at me delightedly, dressed in a beautiful summer sundress. So he looks, as if his breath was already caught. The denouement is his scream to the entire clinic: “Mom, mother, look what ears!” This is how inexperienced complexes appear for life ...

Petrosyan jokes - read monologues

Petrosyan jokes - read monologues:

Petrosyan's monologue - spinger "

They invited me to participate in the television program “Miracles in the field”. Well, you all know her - there is such a leading with a mustache. By the name of Yabukovych.
I come home, tell my wife: watch me on Friday on TV - I'll tell you hello!
And then Shurin sits nearby - her brother. Says: Hello on TV are needed like in the morgue of castanets! - Well, his jokes are like that! “You would,” he says, “gave it better to her.”
The wife says: Yes, on a fur coat! And then I am ashamed to my friends - which I go to the winter in the mittens. And in general, how we live, there is not even a car.
I say: I can take “Zhiguli” at least tomorrow. The opportunity was presented - to buy a “nine” for two hundred dollars.
Shurin says: And why don't you buy?
I say: no one sells.
Wife right away: correctly you were invited to convey greetings to television - let the whole country see that you are “with greetings”!
And Shurin continues: you are better when the camera is brought to you, say: “The best spindle are available at factory number 3 at Tovuryupa Street 15, phone 9-18, fax 4-12, additional 03. Spera of Nizhny Tagil”. And I will pay you for each such announcement for each such announcement.
I say: And if they will not ask me about spinger?
Shurin says: And this is your concern. After all, you are smart for our years: forty, but the mind like a five -year -old.
I did not answer him anything, but I myself think: “Now, from the principle, I will talk about these spindle so many times that you don’t have enough money to pay!”
I got this text, I come to the studio, Yabukovych asks the question: “A word of six letters. The military rank of Marshal Rybalko. "
I say: what is the title of Marshal, I find it difficult to answer, but I can tell you where the best spindle spindles are produced in the world! Zyuryupa street 15, phone 9-18, fax 4-12, additional 03. Pickup from Nizhny Tagil.
The host almost swallowed the microphone: I ask you about Marshal, I ask.
I say: right. But, by the way, when this marshal came home from fishing, he always closed the door to the spinger. If you do not believe, ask on the street Zurupa 15, phone 9-18, fax 4-12, additional 03.
The presenter froze with a microphone in his mouth, and I think: “Yeah, I have already said twice. True, not to the end. I did not have time about the pickup. ”
“And come,” I say, “Marshal was from Nizhny Tagil.” There is good fishing. On the street Zurupa ...
The leading microphone in itself jumped out of his mouth. He says: everything, with Marshal, drove! The second question: “The human hearing organ. Word of three letters. ”
And there, a junior teacher played, she heard about a word of three letters, blushed all and says: can I write this word to you on a piece of paper?
And I shout: this organ is a sping!
The host already groaned: where did you see a person with a spinger instead of an ear?
I say: how where! On the street Zurupa is 15, phone 9-18, fax 4-12, additional 03.
I see that the leader’s left eye began to twitch like that.
“Maybe,” he says, “is it better for someone from loved ones hello to anyone?”
I say: Hello on TV is needed as in a bathhouse spindle. And to order spinger, you need to send a message on fax ...
The host says: I'll send you now! The third question: “The literary hero, by whose name is the tragedy of Shakespeare“ Hamlet ”.
I just opened my mouth, he says: I immediately warn - this is not a sping. Especially for those from Nizhny Tagil, I explain: the first letter is “g”.
I say: since he begins with such a letter, then this is a bad sping! And good are produced at factory number 3. Street Zurupa 15, phone 9-18, fax 4-12, additional 03.
Then the host decided to change the topic of the conversation, he says: Imagine, please. What is your name?
I say: it is known how - my name is the spinger Petrovich. And the surname is Zurup. I live in house number 15, phone 9-18, fax 4-12, additional 03.
The host says: Who are you by profession?
I say: the letter “w”. But not a sping, but a plaster. And spinger can be ordered by phone 9-18.
The presenter asks: I wonder how such smart ones are born?
I answer: how-how! Searn recess. With the help of fax. From Nizhny Tagil, an additional 03. I look that Yabukovych has peeled off. But then the transfer time is over.
I am running home, Shurin says: I do not refuse my words. But since I have bad money now, I suggest you take it in kind. That is, with spinger. So now I can’t turn out in the apartment because of these boxes, and since the whole country is looking about miracles in the field, now everyone knows me.
I’ll go out into the street - they immediately shout: Won went out of Nizhny Tagil.

The text of the Petrosyan scene about the doctor in gloves

- Right now we will quickly examine you. Yes, I ask me to forgive me in advance if some of my questions seem tactless to you, but the sexopathologist is such a profession ... Well, what will we start! What do you do at night?
- Uchuu monologues!
-Ta-a-k, so we are not doing anything else at night, only we learn monologues.
- Well, why, I’m still learning interludes, feuilletons, scenes, sketches, pieces, fables.
- How is everything seriously with us ...
“I am even without gloves, but I can also.”
- Tell me, and you are doing this, well, as if more transparent to you hint. Ah, that’s why a man and a woman meet at night alone.
- To rehearse!
- Are you moderate?
- 100%. We must rehearse. Other actors go on stage and show hacks because they do not rehearse. A rehearsal is a pleasure. Anatoly Epos also says - rehearsal is my love! Konstantin Sergeyevich Stanislavsky paid great attention to rehearsals, and the famous Olga Leopardova said in Chekhova's books ...
-Oh how everything is launched by us ... Well, we are all about work and work ... Tell me, did you have something on the side?
- Don't you tell anyone?
- The medical secret is medical, this is holy. So what did you have left?
- There were left -wing concerts bypassing accounting. Well, it was a long time ago, but only 2 times.
“Do you even know where the children come from?”
- This is also interested in me. Where do the children come from at my concerts. Adult humorous concert, children run, they are not interested, distracting the audience and artists. Humor does not like distraction, he loves to be listened to and appreciated. I recently read a very funny monologue, a 3-year-old kid goes on stage and says: Grandfather, stop the nonsense to flog. Better sing the groom, and I flew and flew.
- Did you often change partners?
-I had many partners-well, firstly Elena Stepanenko, was Ella Chuvilchikova, Galina Sazonova, Galina Gradskaya. I had a partner sorry Leonid Utesov.

The text of the Petrosyan monologue about annoying ad on TV

I love our advertisement. You go along the street and read - Malboro cigarettes are a date with America. Belomor - the date is over! You involuntarily speculate. I only buy newspapers where there are more advertisements. I take cockroaches for a walk. I take off the damage, from the savings bank.
But the main advertising for television. How much care is manifested about our health.
A man pulls on a bow of a bow and a voice behind the scenes: if you have pain, inflict a response to her! Shoot! Do you specify. Thinking!
Eurytime! Every time after eating, you want to eat more. This is your caries.
If you have dandruff, go through the head with a vacuum cleaner. Rover - sucks all black spots in dogs.
Ah advertising, I discovered the gaskets of Olveis Plus, minus, sinus, cosine. The gaskets of the Ob, drain the channels of the Ob. My God, things have not yet been unpacked, but it is already with a sink. Darling, take the comets. He is comet comets, microbes drew from him.
For several years I can’t understand who this is Aunt Asya. She sho she disconnected, huh? Because of her, this kid broke all the sheets. As aunt Asya sees from fear, yelling - Aunt Asya arrived.
And this girlfriend is erasing linen every day, they always have linen. They go to bed in boots. Did you see this moron in the mountains? Every evening yells - Menton! His avalanche and flooded.
You also know, I feel so sorry for the man who sits quietly, peacefully, watches the TV, and his wife, bitch, she says to him: “Fi, again you have the smell of sweat!”
He says: yes you, I'm current from the shower.
- Do not lie! We have no water for the third month! Where is this smell then?-I don't know, probably from the TV. There, someone worked very well with the Rich-Inter-Dodal brush!
One aunt says - you know, I eat a frame every day. And my children eat my frames. We eat current with frames ... (such an oil). Have you seen a pregnant man? A pregnant man with some kind of girl's scythe. For some reason, a TV park advertises. What is the connection? He needs to perform in the Duma, where Zhirinovsky braids are pipe for him.
Pedia completely flurated .. who is this Pedia and CECE. And these ladies who are. Ladies, their hair on end, they climbed slowly from the ground or from the water, but their hair is still on end, and they shouted:
- Orments! Orments! Do they have such an organics?
And recently, chefs and hallucinations have begun enough. I look at Dirol, Orbit, Jusfruit rushed. And this one showed up, Rigls Permint. They grabbed me by the breasts and how to twine: pieces! Why are you without sugar!
Tefal, you always think about us ...

the text of the Petrosyan monologue about grandfather who went to the pharmacy to buy plugs in his ears

I have a familiar grandfather Amayak, he is 93 years old, he is a very nice kind person, but speaks very poorly in Russian. I somehow asked him:
- Tell me, here you live in a small apartment, with you children, grandchildren, great -grandchildren live. Does the noise bother you?
Amayak smiled slyly, looked around, pulled his a ear plug out of his ear, twisted, turned, showed me and asked:
- You see this little round thing? I put her in my ear in the morning and good! There are no children, there are no grandchildren, I give a pot of a pot! Silence-ah! Understand?
And on one day, this small round little thing hurt somewhere and Amoyak went to the pharmacy to buy a new ear dagger.
The granddaughter behind the counter painted her eyes and did not pay any attention to the old man. What attention is there when there is such a charm here!
- Granddaughter, the old man did not stop, - Well, give me the grandfathers a small round thing that you put on, and there are no children!
The girl dropped the mirror and stared at the buyer ...
- Wai, why are you inserting your eyes on me! One has already become blue! Let's quickly already this little thing. Current so that the color is orange.
The girl grunted and ran to the door to the hall. Aunt Klava, look who came to us for this business, still demands orange, completely insolent. Horror how.
- Uv, why are insolent, I ask you such a small round thing. You put on it, there are no children, you shoot, please! Orange, you know!
“I understand,” Klava said, “but you would be shy at your age.”
- Why such a thing to be shy. I can’t without this thing. Big family! Come on, grandfather will go home to do what she loves.
- Grandpa, what size should you bear?
- Take the largest to get to the very tip of the ear ...

Cool collection of Petrosyan jokes

Cool collection of Petrosyan jokes:

The text of the Petrosyan monologue about the nervous life of psychos

Recently, so many nervous have divorced, horror is simple! I'll calm down right now!
They said right here, female logic. One lady in the elevator caught me.
- In the elevator, he says, - they don’t smoke!
And I say: I don’t offer you. Smoke, and I inhale your smoke!
- I didn’t think about it, I will have to take 5 rubles from you!
Around there are some fools. No one listens to anyone. I say recently to my wife: I'm leaving!
He looked around, and she already collected my things. I'm going to work, fool!
Mental abnormal! What! Well, I turned on the electric drill at 2 a.m. My wife tortured me.
- Hang the shelf. Hang the shelf! Hang the shelf. Hang the shelf! Hang the shelf. From 2 o’clock in the afternoon to 2 a.m. Hang the shelf! Hang the shelf! As a result, the neighbor was hanging behind the wall.
Mental abnormal. Well, I drove into the red light, what to yell. If I was such a drinking that I was generally thinking that I was going on the train. And he waited for the conductor to bring tea. And when I saw the traffic cop asked for bedding. Idiots! I was still taken to this, to the psychiatrist. Fools. Abnormal. The psychiatrist says: Close your eye! Well, I closed him. Closed well. His eye still does not open.
There, a man jumped out of the steam room, jumped right in the snow. Well, I closed the door to the Skokold, so as not to blow. He drummed for an hour at the door, while I was talking on the phone. Hit it coldly. All turned blue. Then I had to rub it with alcohol. Just confused, he asked to smoke, I struck the lighter. Well, who knew that alcohol was on. Who knew ... what to yell! When you become stupid, the air comes out of the head. Everything, ready, vacuum.
There is no one million at Galkin. Because everything is stupid. No one will guess to give him half. So he hints all the time, you have a hint of 50 to 50. What to yell. Well, I brought a cake for the birthday of my wife, well, I wrote on it the year of her birth, this year, between them dash. What to fight. All the abnormal are all, because of them, the normal should all suffer. Horror.

Stupid dictionary

Rublevka is an inexpensive woman.
Cook-Kuku-the rooster stutters.
Wow damn it, damn it, in the pancake of Shrovetide.
The victim - never found a toilet in the city.
Not sparing his abdomen - our tourists at the Swedish table.
Titimity - Mitin's favorite toys.
Tutelka in Tutelka - Zaporozhets crashed into the OKU.
Yelnik - mouth.
Chakushka is a cashier.
The blue -eyed is an alcoholic.
Grassing is an opera singer.
Kil is the husband of the sprat.
A miscarriage is a parachutist.
Porn - a bathhouse.
Interdings - girls working on the Internet.
Starring - female leg 40 size.
Guli-Guli-husbands in the resort.
A slut is a thin face.
Asphalt - temporary coating before earthen work.
Dance - vertical fulfillment of horizontal desires.
Chachcha - one and a half bottles of chachi.
Hirmo - through the chur of a young oligarch.
Morning makeup - restoration of the face on the skull.
White and fluffy - actually gray and hairy.
Monkey is a March 8 man.
Railway - cars in street traffic jams.
The train is the wife of an electrician.
The car of the eye is the germ of the jeep.
Paranka is a woman driving.
Tartila is a saleswoman of cakes.
The lamb - Baba Yaga in infancy.
Padal is a bad skater.
Ambassador - he was sent and he was the ambassador.
Gotta fights are fights of relatives for the inheritance.
A tax policeman is a person who always comes to the rescue.
Snail is small cattle.
Ducks fly - a fight in the hospital.
Anesthesia is a surgeon protecting the patient from the patient’s advice during surgery.
Boiled aquarium - ear.
Cutlet in a past life is a cow.
The criminal community in the bathhouse is a gang.
The meeting place of former rams is barbecue.
An unmarried boss is a single cartridge.
Pantyhose went - a woman driving.
Western - UFOs flew from the west.
Words broken into syllables:
Galichea - I am Gali's mother.
Blind - Ira has an outstanding ass.
Marijuana-Marya Ivanovna in Spanish.
The dish is Luda of easy behavior.
The chronicler is a bad summer.
Branden is Lana's husband.
Sausages are fans of Kolya Baskov.
Association Dictionary:
Fingers - small tools for finding slippers in the dark.
The brain is such an organ with which we think what we think.
A wallet is a special device that allows you to lose all the money at once.
Nudist - the one who on the beach and nudes "Where is my clothes?"
Fire, water, copper pipes - a moonshine recipe.
The orange sun, the orange sky, the orange mother, the orange self is an epidemic of hepatitis.
The first sign of pregnancy is when it is sick in the morning, but I don’t want to do the lessons.
Platform shoes are all that remains of Anna Karenina.
The first deception in life is a nipple.
A bad dancer is a good dad.
Cactus is a cucumber deeply disappointed in life.
The wife is happiness, which over the years becomes complete.
Glavbukh is the main drunk.
Hahal is a comedian writer.
The places are not so distant - the first 10 rows in the hall.
There was a wet place left - the viewer laughed for too long.
The viewer is a victim of his own curiosity.
Mosque is a humorous concert for more than 3 hours.

I visited their filthy America. You can’t get around not to get up, eat do not wake up.
You come - lights, advertising. Everything sparkles, there is nowhere to hide to an honest person. We are not used to this. I have where I live one lantern for the whole microdistrict. Under my eye.
I got out of the bus, pitch darkness, you go to the touch, BEMS, another lantern. Three more pillars and at home. The wife joyfully rushes around the neck: he came alive! And in clothes.
In their overwhelmed America, the sidewalks are smooth. Soap washed, pavements as a mirror, from that and the people are silent. We have pits, potholes, potholes. And the people are talkative. Remembers parents. They especially love mom. I remember the academician, the doctor of philological sciences fell into the open hatch. This was wrapped, said: wow, Yadrena Rodionovna, Pushkin Mother!
At the level of the dissertation, he put it. Brainy. Looks like a head hit.
In their clouded America you will go to any Selpo, not to get around to get up, goods in bulk. And how to choose an honest person, and even this saleswoman jumps around you like a kangaroo.
- Ken Ai Help Yu!
- Fasten the mare's mare. I myself will figure out what you have worn on.
I tried on a coat for two hours, this flea jumped everything.
- Nou, know, know ...
She is me, I, I’m her TPR-oo-oo-oo .. Until the translator said: go Vasya, this coat does not suit you, it is female. I looked closely ... for sure, and for pregnant women. That's what I see it is good for me here. I bought it. We have saleswomen. May God grant their health. Solid. Do not jump. Frozen in the morning, like flies in dichlofos. In most cases, everything is Chinese in our stores. Made in Paris, it is written, right? They have in Paris as you go in China, right left. The question is studied. Right now, there is a universal China of the whole country. We will soon put everything on the Chinese down jackets and sneakers, how to close our eyes, you will never distinguish from the Chinese. We will only speak at home with wives in Chinese.
I came home from work, you:
- Man give tea!
- This blow yourself!
In their US clogging, everything will not be stiff. I was on excursions in the maternity hospital. Each woman in labor has an individual air conditioner, TV, telephone, radio, automatic duck, flying away. The buttons of calling a doctor, nurses, husband and president. We have no such confusion. Our woman in labor knocked a nightstand on the door, a nanny to her muzzle right away. And let America indicate us which way to go. We go our own way. There is no one on it either ahead or behind. Freedom, stop, do not get up!

The most original Petrosyan jokes in songs

The most original jokes of Petrosyan in songs:

It is allowed to laugh

On the spirals of the highway in the fields and forests
Running away rapidly
Along the plane -looking foliage
Comfortable ZIS rushed to the sky in heaven

I was sure that this summer
Love and happiness will fit
And it seemed flooded with light
That noisy city on the Crimean coast

Yalta where gold grapes grow
Yalta, where guitars do not sleep at night
Yalta, where they were so happy with you

Where the sun is falling and kissing granite
Noise a marine surf
Where the sun is falling and kissing granite
Noise a marine surf

And when it is time to part
We went to the opposite path
Before you part with you forever
You whisper look, don't forget

Only in the cold winter did I remember the shore of sea
Warm wind and highway tapes
The sound of a string above the wave is our happiness with you
Whether I had all this to me

Yalta where gold grapes grow
Yalta, where guitars do not sleep at night
Yalta, where they were so happy with you

Where the sun is falling and kissing granite
Noise a marine surf
Where the sun is falling and kissing granite
The surf is noisy

I was sure that this summer
Love and happiness will fit
But the light was removed
That noisy city on the Crimean coast

Yalta where gold grapes grow
Yalta, where guitars do not sleep at night
Yalta where were so happy with you

Where the sun is falling and kissing granite
Noise a marine surf
Where the sun is falling and kissing granite
The surf is noisy.

Youth theme
Hay, a girl in the thirteenth row!
Hear? I mean you!
You and I recently pulled together together -
We did this, this is a complete bummer ....
Will I forget someday
Your girlish camp, inexorable breasts?
Your narrowed eye
He burned like a ruby
Moreover, you have alone!
I began to be afraid of bugs and mice,
I can’t smoke - smoke comes from my ears.
I even stopped watching the TV,
I do not read. I have never read at all!
And all because I stick out of you,
Although I know then I will run to the doctor.
If you are not with me today,
I'll cheat on you -
And with himself!
You can’t say neither skin nor face about me
I don’t even take off the leather jacket even in a dream.
I am a cool guy when you give in.
I have one belief
And then not that!
Once at school they taught us:
Life is given only once,
And it must be lived that it would not be hurt.
And I do not suffer - I live cool!
Disco law:
Grab the old woman and shake with her
As if the fever was jerking off
Bark rudely! He started clicks:
The wrong hand brought the hand, twisted his leg!
Under the strength of microbes, I am all bent,
I took out the certificate that I was sorry.
And you are able to your friends with a curl
When you are Iminally, already you can see the tonsils!
Throw balls, let go of the brakes,
Rules to me and the bazaar is over!
I swear by your roof - you will be glad
Such as me -
Did not have! Not! AND IT IS NOT NECESSARY!

Funny jokes-tights Evgeny Petrosyan

Funny jokes-tights Evgenia Petrosyan:

Elena and I together
Sprinkle ditties to you!
The best in the world
Ditties all "about summer!"
In the summer, Russians love
Lie on the couch,
But Lena and I are extreme!
There is little sofa in the summer.