The best jokes of Mikhail Zadornov is a big collection

A large selection of Zadornov jokes.

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Zadornov's jokes - a large selection

Zadornov's jokes - the best selection — Zadornov's jokes - a large selection

Zadornov's jokes - a large selection:

Moses - to all Jews Sensei.
We remember God in vain when we ask God W.E.
Funny juggles walk on their hands. Brave sappers are in the clouds.
We are talking to God, because he is always at the side.
How I love you, oh life! But life said: "Get out!"
And how many times did the Motherland cheat on me?!
Who does not obey mom will not go to Alabama. He will live not in Arizona, but to pester in the ruble zone!
Appetite will win all feelings. Live - harm health.
My flaws are from the monkey.
If I want something, it can end badly.
Modesty, mind and courage are all my property.
A peacock is the same turkey, but in show business.
The tragedy of our generation: we were taught how to behave in a decent society, and the decent society itself was not formed!
People say: if a man has a bald head in front - this is from the mind, if behind, then he walks ... Jews wear a pile on the back of the head. It turns out that the Jews willingly show the world how smart they are, and cover their illegitimate connections.
Experts of Japanese cuisine. I wonder if the Japanese will understand the expression “one sixth of the land”?
CharterIn my opinion, this is not a noun, but a participle.
Moscow. The sign above the door to the office of the basement: "Metallic repair enterprise. Repair of metal products, household appliances, etc. "We are repairing everything!" A little lower is attributed by hand: knock louder. The call does not work.
In the cemetery: Tear flowers only on their own graves
Demographic Izk. If you do not have children, and you still call you dad, it means that you are the head of the Catholic Church!
ESTONIA. I propose in Tallinn, under the sign: “Circular movement” to install a sign -“Not more than three times!”
Nevertheless, it is amazing: we say “hot Finnish guys”, referring to their slowness, “inhibitory”, and the fastest riders in the world are the Finns! Do you know why? They just don't have time to let go of the gas pedal!
Estonians are very law -abiding. So, for example, auto leaders do not blink each other's headlights, warning about the ambush of a traffic police. Although ... maybe they blink ... But after - when they will already be separated!

Two people, Latvians and Russian, went on a campaign. We bought a liquid from mosquitoes. Russian - he does not even have time to read the instructions - he smeared heartily. In the morning I woke up all the swollen. And in the instructions it was said: pour into the plate, put in the distance and all mosquitoes will fly there.
A pretty saleswoman, Estona, puts me sausage in a plastic bag. Sausage loaf sticks a little from the package. I tell her: "Cut in half." She doesn’t look at me, Russian understands, and asks: “Why?” Well, as I explain why, I can’t answer these questions so seriously. I say: “You see, I want to make a date in the evening. It will be dark, and so we will recognize each other. I will give you one soul mate, and if it comes true, then we ... ". She looks at me and says: "But I have a boyfriend." I tell her: "Then cut into three parts, please."

Once, on the way to Tallinn, a car broke down ... And in Tallinn-a concert, you can’t be late! .. What to do? I see a pretty woman leaves the store, gets into the car. I am to her: please, I'm very late! Bring to Tallinn! .. The woman looked around me, I was dressed quite decently: sit down! I sat down. We drove two hundred meters, suddenly the woman stops the car and slowly says: but I'm not going to Tallinn! .. I’m just going to the store, I went for bread! .. I had to look for another car.
The Ministry of Education has signed a large contract for the release of textbooks for elementary grades with several sponsored firms, in connection with which some changes will occur in traditional exercises. So, the famous phrase “Mom soap Rama” will now be written like “Mom washed double -glazed windows”.
News from East Asia. It is known that South Korea is unofficially called the country of morning freshness, and this causes the indignation of the North Korea authorities, who consider this discrimination. And so, in the framework of the emerging rapprochement of the two Kores, experts found a reasonable compromise. Now North Korea will be called the country of the second morning freshness.
News from the USA. African -Americans once again protest - this time against the use of the terms “ferrous metallurgy” and “non -ferrous metallurgy”. Now in the US Congress, the opportunity to rename these industries and call them like this: “one metallurgy” and “another metallurgy”.
Several rare species of animals are listed in the Red Book. This is the type of elephant from below, the view of the turtle, jumping across the field and the appearance of a crocodile flying through the sky after he fell out of the helicopter transporting him to the zoo.

The best jokes Zadornov - Text

The best jokes Zadornov - Text:

Literature news. After the incredible success of the first three books about Harry Potter, G.P. and philosopher's stone, "" G.P. and prisoner of Azkaban ”and“ G.P. And the secret room ”, writer Joan Rolling will conclude a contract with the publishing house to release several more books with this hero. It is already known for sure that among them there will be books “G.P. and magic sneakers "Adidas", "G.P. and foreign economic policy of the United States ”,“ G.P. and a contract for the supply of 40 stelles fighters to Saudi Arabia ”,“ G.P. and quotas for the catch of the Norwegian salmon. "
Political news. Experts calculated that since Putin became the president, about 80 percent of the highest posts in the state have been occupied by immigrants from St. Petersburg. A source in the Kremlin reports that when the Petersburgers take all these posts, the gradual process of replacing Muscovites with residents of St. Petersburg will begin. The first to evict is the Strogino area, whose inhabitants will be changed to the inhabitants of the Vasilievsky Island.
It is known that in America you can drink alcohol on the street, but only if the bottle is in an opaque paper bag. Now this rule will apply to smoking. It will be possible to smoke in public places only by putting on your head a special plastic bag that does not let smoke.
Sports news. It is known that Harry Kasparov, who was about to win the match from the Deep Junior computer, eventually brought it to a draw. According to information from the encirclement of Kasparov, this very angry with an ambitious chess player and, having arrived home, he sat down at the computer and still won him, defeating him 34 times in a row in the shooter, taken from his son.
The British became famous throughout the world with stiffness and puritanism. Even in bed, their behavior is strictly regulated by etiquette. For example, the gentleman must be lying to the left of the lady. And only if they are unfamiliar - on the right.
Bruce Willis, who fell into a protracted depression after a divorce from Demi Moore, decided to commit suicide, throwing himself out of the window of his apartment on the 62nd floor. But since Bruce was afraid of heights, he invited his permanent understudy - stuntman Chris Brown, who in all films of Willis performed tricks for him. For 180 thousand dollars, Chris rushed out of the window, and Bruce Willis himself was already lying at the funeral in the coffin, alive and unharmed.
In a difficult situation, KGB Colonel Vladimir Putin was in a difficult situation. In 1991, it was introduced by special services into power structures to collect operational information about senior officials. But his political career unexpectedly went up, and in less than nine years he rose to the post of president of the country. Now Putin has a serious problem: he has to report weekly to the director of the FSB, who formally is his subordinate. Doctors claim that this can lead to a split personality.
As it became known, not everyone in England call the Queen-Mother Queen-Mother. So, for example, Prince Charles calls her “queen-grandmother”, the husband of Elizabeth II-“Queen-Teach”, the cousin of Elizabeth-“queen-aunt”, and the little son of the gardener of the Buckingham palace calls her “aunt queen”.
An amazing incident occurred in the Kashchenko hospital. The lying patient refused to use a duck, because, according to him, an egg was hidden in this duck, a needle in an egg, and at the end of the needle - his death. The head physician said that all the staff were tired of the outputs of this patient, especially since he is in the hospital for at least two hundred years and also claims that she is named for his honor.
The curious incident occurred in Ivano-Frankivsk. The local artist Mikola Nicheporenko painted the Church of the “condescension of grace” after the third glass. Customers asked him to portray a cupid with a bow, and Mikola drew a cupid holding the head of onion in his hands. Salad pins added from himself. The most interesting thing is that customers were very satisfied! Because this is exactly what they meant.
Curious case in Mozambique. The president of the country of S.S. Euto, being in his suburban residence, resigned his authority and went to swim. When he crawled out of the pool, there was no more authority. It turned out that they were taken and assigned by the Prime Minister of the Habber Onoo, to whom these powers fell for right.
News from the Armed Forces. In the military unit No. 14/169 between the old -timing sergeant Chiklizhov and the recently manned ordinary Mordyukov, repeated cases of tireless relationships were recorded. The command of the unit carried out educational work with violators, and as a result, soldiers registered their relationship.
A terrible tragedy played in the Bryansk region. There, for two weeks, all the village of Green Christmas tree fir trees died out. It all started with the death of the machine operator Alexander Chekanov, who was poisoned by five bottles of poor -quality vodka. At the wake, twelve people still died for it for the same reason. And everyone else died, noting the 9th, 10th and 11th days of these terrible events. The only villager who survived, because he was on a business trip, returning, died from the consciousness that he would have to remember everyone, and with the same vodka.
A resident of Yekaterinburg Sergey Tuzhilkin accused his attending physician of incompetence. The doctor determined that he suffers from voyeurism - i.e. Passing the passion. To this, Tuzhilkin said that he does not suffer from voyeurism, but on the contrary - he gets great pleasure.
Extraordinary incident in kindergarten No. 52. There, the pupils of the middle group captured the teacher, and for four hours mocked her. In particular: they forced her to eat three plates of semolina, sing a song about a Christmas tree to the accompaniment of a frustrated piano, and then forced to sleep during the day. In the evening, the educator after mockery, the children agreed only to her parents.

Funny jokes Zadornov

Funny jokes Zadornov:

There are scientists, but there are wise people. Scientists are those who know a lot. And the wise - who understand what they know.
According to female logic, it is easier to agree than to explain to the peasant why not.
Without love in the heart, any dignity of a person turns into his drawback. For example: pride becomes pride, honor - arrogance, education - by hypocrisy, and courage and courage without love for people are simply dangerous for society. So in the professions. A journalist who does not love people is paparazzi. The inconsistent poet is pop, an actor - a parodist, an imitator ... And self -expression without love is a banal boasting.
The only way to force people in Russia to observe laws is to legitimize theft.
Only here in Russia they run from controllers with the whole train!
Moscow today is reminiscent of a homeless person who made a manicure, a pedicure, put on a dirty lingerie and went to play in a casino.
All nationalities in the world are nouns, and only we, Russians are an adjective.
The difference between lies and truth is that lies always have witnesses, but the truth never.
The mentality of the state is known by his cops!
The dream of Russian doctors - so that the poor never hurt, and the rich will never recover.
The country's economy is known on its roads, the accuracy of a woman - by her bathroom, male dignity - by handshake, and state care for people - in district clinics.
We always consider ourselves smarter than others, so we constantly find ourselves in fools.
Do you demand to change the government? And who said that a good and good uncle would replace? As a rule, others come to replace, even worse. To believe in a good uncle is like believing a meteorite that will fly and improve the life of everyone on Earth. Rormen - give the program. For example: Do you want to cope with corruption? Our president first declared a struggle, and now the war with corruption ... Probably because the trophies are taken in the war ... We need to give out specific offers, otherwise why just rebel? American regional committee around the corner. He is already waiting for ours to just start rebeling, without a program.
In the summer, many years ago, I often lived in Peredelkino. There was the main place of the work of Soviet and Russian writers. Recently I went to Yevgeny Yevtushenko to visit. And I even "Hello, Zhenya!" He didn’t say when he entered, I immediately say: “Do you know that I only saw that on the way to you? The cosmetic salon "Peredelkino", where they make facial plasticity "...
I sat at the computer at midnight and decided to eat at five in the morning. She came to the kitchen, cut off a piece of bread, cut off a piece of cheese. I think I will smear with oil. I opened the refrigerator, took the oil, read: 72.5 percent. I think: I have not downloaded it yet, and put it back to download.
This letter came from prison. “... I got drunk with the roots on the dance floor in a small provincial town. It was fun! But to make it even more fun ... ”All our people are not enough! “... I went home behind a gun. He brought it to the roots. And they ran like! Well, they ended up without humor! " What happened next, it is impossible to predict ... "So that they return, I began to shoot them after!"
We are amazing people. We want to live like everyone else, at the same time to be dissimilar to the rest.
We have unemployment with an excess of jobs. We sympathize with the mind, and vote with our hearts. Timid in everyday life, heroes are in war. We honor the dead, underpaying the survivors. We always consider ourselves smarter than others, so we constantly find ourselves in fools.
At any moment we are ready to forgive those who offended, and those who owe. Lazy but energetic. We get tired on vacation, rest at work. Amazing people. It is easier for us to invent an all -terrain vehicle than to repair the roads. We respect only those who agree with us. From the fight we get more pleasure than from sex. We cry at weddings, and at the wake we sing ditties. We are poor, but well dressed. Only in the morning we leave the house in the evening.
We are sluggish but emotional. We think twice a day, and the rest of the time we worry what we decided for these twice. But if we think, it is powerful, with the whole body. If our man twitched his foot under the table, then he thought deeply about something. Moreover, most of us torment three eternal Russian questions: what to do, where to send it and how to lose weight, overeating at night.
We are delightful people: uneducated, but like no one guesses crosswords. Only our person, without even primary education, can still guess that the horse Don Quixote was called Rosinant, despite the fact that Don Quixote never read and is sure that Don Quixote himself wrote this book.
We hate the West, imitating it in everything. “What are their primitive films,” we are indignant. - This is not films for us. This is for unicellular. " At the same time, we ourselves, with rapture, look at the end of the film the main character-not just a closet, but a wardrobe with mezzanines-after the final battle on an empty nuclear training ground kisses, smacking with bloodied lips, the hostage heroine among the corpses of the enemies and piles of fading nuclear warheads that broke out about His head, in which a concussion can never happen, especially - the brain.
We are amazing people, fussy, but patient. No one but us can endure the government for so long that he cannot stand. Now we can already boldly say: not the government, but the governments that interfere with us like crumbs in bed. That's how they are shaking, they will still harass you under the blanket.
We praise each other with the words “terribly beautiful”, “terribly smart” and “devilishly healthy”. We are ironic over the word “patriot”, insult the word “intellectual” or even worse - “lousy intellectual”. And this is especially our expression, because only we could bring the intellectual to such a state that it becomes lousy.
The problem of Russia is not that it cannot feed the poor, but that the rich cannot get drunk ...
Putin never lies - he lets Peskov's eyes.
They say that soon the edited version of the Bible will appear in the USA. It will begin like this: “At first there was a word. And this word is tolerance ... And God said: "May there be a rainbow!" “And there was a rainbow! ..” Adam and ... Adam will be the first people in the world. Moreover, one white, the other dark -skinned, since God "created man in his image and likeness." But the serpent instead of an apple will offer a hamburger: an apple is impossible - this is a hidden Apple advertisement. The first chapter will end with the fact that God will drive Adam and Adam from paradise, and they will sue him in the Last Judgment for infringing on the rights of nudists.
We live in an era when a red diploma is appreciated less than a black boomer.
In the context of the theme of refugees, the phrase began to be perceived in a completely different way: "My grandfather reached Berlin!"
I am not a superstitious person, but sometimes it seems that Vladimir Putin crossed the ruble lying on the ground and did not step back.
To become the most influential person in the world, one thing is enough: to have an influence on the editor -in -chief of Forbes magazine.
Recently, Medvedev said that in the framework of import substitution on his New Year's table there will be only domestic products: black caviar, crabs, Far Eastern Trepang and the White Sea Medes.
The Kremlin came up with a proverb for those who envy the salaries of officials: "Do not open your mouth on someone else's minimum wage."
The White House without new sanctions is like Bekmambetov without sequels “Christmas trees”.
Roskomnadzor, Rospotrebnadzor, Rostekhnadzor ... When will Rosarplatnadzor appear in Russia?
V. Solovyov interviewed D. Peskov, who, in particular, said: “The pace of the fall of the Russian economy has noticeably decreased ...” used to say: “Growth rates have significantly decreased ...”
Many Russian officials have earned the memory of them to be perpetuated in portraits. But - on the sheets in the cell!
Elections in Russia resemble the TV show “Voice”: those who choose first hear only singing and only then see the true faces of the candidates.
The other day, Hillary Clinton said that "no country in the world has such reliable allies that the United States has." Did she mean aliens?!
The Central Bank decided to strengthen protection against hacker attacks. In the near future, all banking computers will be consecrated by Patriarch Kirill.
If a living wage is reduced in the country, then someone has an increase in the maximum.
Only our blogger can publish an angry post about corruption stolen from another blogger.
The best Russian laxative is money. At least the court verdict soften ...
We must be able to lose. But so to lose as we, we must still be able to!
Two teenagers were fighting in the courtyard. The defeated shouts after the winner: “You are so cool in life!” Let's meet on the Internet?!
If a modern child very quickly worsens his wall on the social network, his whole life will fly before his eyes.
Anyone who says that human life in our time is worth nothing is clearly not treated in private clinics.
You like to eat pies, cheesecakes, buns, cakes, cakes and sweets - love to pull pancakes in the gym.
Many people who live in our hearts should at least pay rent.
Still, paper books are better than electronic. In the e -book you will never find a cash stag!
The law of meanness: when you need to urgently go to the hospital, always a day off or holidays.
Do you know why the Americans no longer fly to the moon? They were convinced that there is no oil.
All my grandiose plans for the weekend were covered with a soft blanket.
Cynic sees the price tag in everything.
I am more and more convinced that the laws of the subtle worlds do not act on people with thick wallets.
You can’t put a gypsum on a broken fate.
The smell from childhood is the most powerful time machine in the world.
If you fell into the river, teeming with crocodiles, do not worry: you certainly will not be late for dinner.
I have repeatedly said from the stage that only in Russia the concepts of homeland and state are different. This is the main reason why enemies cannot overcome us. The fact is that they attack our state every time, and get in the forehead from our homeland.
And this will say that we did not have sex in the Soviet Union? Correctly! Because “sex” is a word of business, but we have ... we had love, passion, was temperament! What sex? Sex is a business offer: “Let's go have sex,” is a business offer, and she: “Okay”-and what will you do? This is designed for lunch break, and not for the whole night ...
Everything was mixed in our earthly house: the best rapper is white, the best golf is black. France accuses America of arrogance. Germany and Russia do not want to fight. Ukraine sends humanitarian aid to Iraq to American soldiers. And China has implemented a new social formation. Developed capitalism under the leadership of the Communist Party.
I'm generally an optimist. And an optimist is a person who comes to the cemetery and, instead of crosses, sees pluses there.
If during the celebration of the New Year it came to the cake, the holiday failed!
Russian barbarians burst into the villages, auls, camps, leaving behind cities, libraries, universities and theaters.
People who do not know the past spit to the future.
Only our people in the comments can write "without comment".
Only in Russia, fighting people can break together the one who wants to separate them.
Our homeland is never more defenseless than February 23 in the evening.
You will tell a person that there are three hundred billion stars in the universe - he will believe. You say that the bench is painted - it will certainly touch!
From the revelations of Nikolai Baskov: - I love only three people: myself, of me and that handsome man from the mirror.
To live in a civilized country, fulfill only ten laws - just do not steal, do not rubbish, do not swear, observe laws and rules, do not give and do not take bribes, do not drink alcohol and do not smoke, do not change your loved one, value culture, know the story Fatherland and respect the old people. You yourself notice how easily and conveniently it will live.
Those who spit into the past execute the future.
If you want to always be in a good mood, learn to rejoice at the little things, say, a salary. A trifle, but nice.
Long live what we, no matter what ...
The most harmful is life. Everyone is dying of her.

Merry joke of Mikhail Zadornov - a monologue "Happy Man"

Merry joke of Mikhail Zadornov - a monologue happy person — Merry joke of Mikhail Zadornov - a monologue "Happy Man"

The cheerful joke of Mikhail Zadornov is the monologue "Happy Man":

I don’t understand why everyone around complains, that they are unhappy: fate wasn’t so, the wrong marriage, the wrong marriage was made, the wrong summer house was expensive, the video is expensive, the video is the wrong brand, only sixty thousand on the book on the book A rainy day is stored, but the rainy day does not come and does not come ...
You will not talk to anyone - problems, problems, problems. And all unhappy, unhappy, unhappy ... But it is so easy to learn to be happy. You just need to accustom yourself in everything to see good and joyful in life.
Here, for example, I ... every morning, when I rush to work at a peak at a peak, I think: how good it is that there is a metro! In a completely different end of the city, it delivers in less than an hour and a half and with only three transfers.
After the metro, when I try to enter a crowded bus, I rejoice! Yes, yes, I am happy about how much the discipline of the workers has increased since the delay was banned everywhere, the buses began to get full from the bus park! After I can’t even take a bus from the run, I, with a briefcase in my hand, joyfully panting, run through three quarters and I think: “How wonderful that our institute was built at the Ring Road itself, where the gasaning of air is not much more than it was supposed to the norm determined by the doctors in the study of the death of rabbits, breathing the dust of our institute ... "
And when I am sitting behind my drawing board in the room, in which we ventilate the safety conditions every fifteen minutes, I admire the fact that even women in our friendly team say only compliments to each other:
- How good you look after vacation! Required! How do you always succeed?!
- Well, what are you ... Here is a green dress for you really! Green color is generally very in harmony with the color of your face!
- No, no ... don't say! Compared to your dress, everything fades. I have been admiring it for the seventh year every day!
But it is especially joyful because we all unbearably love our work. For hours we can sit and watch how she accumulates, accumulates, accumulates ... And if someone falls asleep after dinner, so strictly at his desktop with a pencil in his hand and thought in widely open eyes. And no longer than the end of the working day. There was not a single case yet so that someone would overslept the end of the working day!
And most importantly, in our department there is always fun, jokes, laughter are heard ... Especially everyone has fun when they get a salary! More than a salary, the laughter causes so much the products that we produce.
Even when I eat in our institute buffet, where they are allowed only with higher education and on secret passage, I am sincerely grateful to fate, if I manage to take my favorite dish, which daily appears on the menu under the secret name “heat. Chickens. with green. mountains. And complex. Gar. from car. puree. "
And in the evening ... in the evening, when I go to the door of my beloved girl and press her call twice so as not to get to her neighbors, I say to myself: “I am high! Slim! Beautiful! And I don't have a golden tooth! " And I really don't have him. I have it steel.
And when she opens me, I happily admire her little growth, discreet beauty and say to myself: “I will teach you to be happy!”
And we go to the cinema with her, where we are sitting next to, and hold on to hands and both think “What a wonderful film about England we created at the Sverdlovsk film studio! How similar our successful actors are on their endangered lords. And the new buildings of the developing Tallinn are on the quarters of the decaying London. ”
Finally, I return home, where I admire my cozy room, in which a whole meter is more than relying on a norm for a person!
Before going to bed, looking up to two nights at the ceiling running on the ceiling from noisy vehicles, I am happy to think that we will get married soon. We will have children! Many, many children. And we all together in this room will be even more joyful than me alone!
And I fall asleep happily, realizing that tomorrow the same happy day will happen again as today. And the day after tomorrow ... And after, and after ... And it will always be just as good, because I am a happy person !!!

Zadornov - the best jokes

Zadornov are the best jokes:

About international relations

“As it became known, not everyone in England call the Queen-Mother Queen-Mother. So, for example, Prince Charles calls her “queen-grandmother”, the husband of Elizabeth II-“Queen-Teach”, the cousin of Elizabeth-“queen-aunt”, and the little son of the gardener of the Buckingham palace calls her “aunt queen”.
“The Japanese are very fond of sushi. Especially from sushi they love the Kuril Islands. ”

About men and women

"How could one be called a weak floor that takes so much strength?"
“Many men were destroyed by drunkenness, gluing, smoking, unwillingness to take care of the house ... But even more men were destroyed by the desire to quit drinking, smoking and starting to take care of the house.”
“They say women love ears. You can imagine how lucky the crocodile of the gene was if Cheburashka was a woman. "
"The real defender of the Fatherland must celebrate his holiday from February 23 to May 9."
“There are three manifestations of God on earth: nature, love and sense of humor. Nature helps to live, love helps to survive, and a sense of humor to survive. "

Jokes about everything in the world

“A student is a person who dreams of changing the world. A young specialist is a person whom the world has already changed! ”
"Only our man enters the museum to keep warm."
"How was it necessary to be disappointed in people in order to name the" Friendship "to call a chainsaw?"
“Only a Russian person can be drunk for 2 hours to inspire a foreigner that we are a country of morons ... and give him a face when he agrees.”
“If you want to always be in a good mood, learn to rejoice at the little things, say, a salary. A trifle, but nice. "
“Previously, there were two troubles in Russia: roads and fools. Now the third has increased: fools indicating which road to go. "
“Foreigners in vain call us stupid and worthless. They themselves are not very smart in comparison with us ... Of course, they also invented something. Automatic telephones, for example. But we were the first to guess how to call them without a coin: you put a wand from Eskimo into the gap - you talk as much as you want. ”

Mikhail Zadornov's joke joke

Mikhail Zadornov joke Morace:

Finally came to our seaside town spring! Gently warmed the radioactive sun. The kidneys on the trees swelled streptococci. And the gray-brown-raspberry clouds swam merrily across the sky. This began the spring emissions of cleaning structures of the head production for production waste production.
After the ice drift, heavy water rose in the river. In the forests, anticipating the time of the year, the bulldozers roared. The chainsaws howled ... And in the fields from under the snow the first parts of agricultural machinery emerged last year emerged.
Chu! From warm edges returned to their homeland to die of birds! Here the cuckoo asked herself the question of how much she had to live. I did not have time to dough and fell out of the nest, gaining the full chest of fresh forest carbon gas. The eagle soared into the clouds, but hit the air hole. The Nightingale brought his swan song and hung after the cuckoo ... From this spring Homon, the mole in love tried deeper to burst into the ground, but stumbled upon a high -tension cable. Fresh nitrates appeared in the markets, on the shelves. The distant peals of thunder were heard-somewhere the Komsomol shock construction exploded!
And in sea water in the rays of the spring sun, E. coli played merrily. And streams of city sewage streams rushed violently into the sea, quickly heating the sea to the long -awaited bathing season! And the well-fed seagulls on the beach settled on containers with garbage, according to the popular sake, thereby promising the same stable state of nature for many, long years!

Zadornov's jokes read

Zadornov's jokes read:

The ninth car

The whole story began with this case. I had to go from Moscow to Leningrad. I had tickets to the second car. I came to the Riga station, went to the train, and there are no first three wagons in the composition.
A ninety man with suitcases, children and escorting walk along the platform and seek these three cars in bewilderment. I was very angry. And, since I have a relationship to the feuilleton department, I think "Now I’ll go to" The train team leader and I will find out everything. " But I did not find the train foreman anywhere, so I went to the head of the station and angrily, thinking that I have the right to do so, I ask him: “Where is the team leader?” And the head of the station answers me: “In the first three wagons ...” In general, so I did not achieve anything from him.
And we all drove - who had tickets in the first three wagons, in other wagons: who in the vestibule, some standing, some sitting on their own suitcases. Upon returning from Leningrad to Moscow, my anger did not cooled, as often happens in such cases after time. I wrote a feuilleton indicating the names and numbers of the train.
The feuilleton was published in the Literary Newspaper. And here, in my opinion, the most interesting began. I came a letter from one reader from the city of Kyiv, who writes: “This is all-Erunda compared to what happened to me on the railway. I ask you to urgently come to me, I will tell you - you won’t regret it. Naturally, many such letters come, so I have not gone anywhere. But, when I was in Kyiv with concerts, I decided to go to the indicated address. He wrote to me - you will not regret it.
I did not regret it.
Unlike three wagons that were not in Riga, two ninth wagons were attached to the composition in Kyiv. But all-all passengers are normal people, they know how to count up to nine and everyone who has tickets to the ninth wagon understands that the ninth car is the one that immediately after the eighth, and not the one that is in front of the tenth. Therefore, everyone sat together in the first ninth wagon.
A very surprised conductor of the second ninth wagon, in which not a single person got into, when the train started, went to the train team leader and said: "My car is empty." The foreman was also very surprised, said: "Probably, they confused something, as always, at the box office." And he gave the radiogram to the next station to sell tickets to the ninth wagon.
All who bought tickets to the ninth car at the next station were also normal people and also knew how to count up to nine. Therefore, they ran together in the first ninth wagon.
The conductor of the first ninth wagon, in which the passengers drank tea for a long time and went to bed, said in horror: “Comrades, where are you from so much? I have not a single free space. Run soon to the train crew-he in the first car. And run rather, the train costs only three minutes. Let you be settled in free places in the first cars. ”
Since the train really stood for three minutes, afraid to be late with things, children and escorting passengers runs to the first carriage ... They are met by a very surprised train team leader and says: “Comrades, where are you from so much?” They say: "We are all from the ninth wagon, there are all the doubles." The foreman understands that he does not understand something, but he does not understand what he does not understand. Since the train really costs three minutes, it quickly settles them in free places in the first three wagons and gives a departure by the train.
At this time, the conductor of the second ninth wagon, in which no person still sat, goes to the train team leader and says: "My car is empty." He slowly goes crazy. She believes her, goes along the train and sees that the car is really empty.
He begins to count the cars and finds out the error. When he became relieved with the heart, he returned to his compartment and decided to correct the mistake: he gave the radiogram to the next station to unhook the ninth carriage.
It was a hot! Those who unhooked were also normal people and also knew how to count up to nine. Therefore, they unhooked the first ninth wagon with peacefully soldering people and took to the backup path. Then the train team was reported.
He finally sighed in relief and gave departure to the train. And he himself began to prepare for bed. He, perhaps, would fall asleep. Ho ...
At this time, the conductor of the second ninth wagon came to him and said: “My wagon is empty ...” I don’t know if the train foreman was crazy after this flight, only this story was told by the person who was driving in the first ninth wagon.
Late at night he went out to smoke. Smoked, smoked, smoked, smoked and thinks: “Why are we standing for a long time?” Again, smoked, smoked, smoked, smoked, smoked ... finally could not stand it, looked out the window, and neither in front nor behind the wagons. Naked steppe, moon and spare path ...
When he told me this story, I laughed for so long, especially when he told how he woke up and they gave birth to his mother and tried to understand where they were, that he was even offended by me and said: “You laugh in vain - There is nothing funny in this. Incidentally, we all went to this car in tourist guides to Hungary.

Excursion in Moscow

Dear guests of the capital! We begin our tour of the historical places of Moscow. You will see new architectural ensembles, monuments, boutiques, galleries, as well as the dream of all visitors - fresh graves of celebrities and other attractions of updated Moscow. We will pass through the entire capital: from Red Square to the Lenin Mountains.
That's right, girl. There was Moscow University on the Lenin Mountains. But due to the lack of funds for the formation of Moscow State University, he sold his building to GUMU, and with all regalia. And now these are the Order of Lenin GUM named after Lomonosov. No, grandfather, you will not see the Borodino panorama. She is outdated and she is no longer. In its place, a new super-paranorama "Disassembly of the Lyubertsy and Balashikha groups" was installed.
Gentlemen, we are in the center of our Motherland - on Red Square. What, woman? No. Near the Kremlin is not McDonald's. This is the mausoleum to them. Lenin. By the way, recently he was played at the auction and was privatized. No. He was not privatized by the tenant himself. And the Fiasco trading company. Now, only for a lot of money, an ever -alive renewed exhibit is taken out to the house, and for non -cash calculation - for strikes, strikes, demonstrations. My friends! Next to the Kremlin, we see the Cathedral of Vasily Blessed. Unfortunately, we do not get there, because recently the night casino “at Vasya” was opened in it. At the entrance, you see the sculptural group "Minin and Pozharsky, playing in the point."
So, girl. What would you like? Which theater to go to? We have all visitors in great. A new museum of wax figures has now opened there. And therefore, in the intermission, you can shake your hand to Clinton or take a picture in bed with Madonna. Whoever wants, can vice versa: shake Madonna's hand ... and take a picture with the one with whom he wants. So, gentlemen are not distracted. We are on Poklonnaya Gora. Before us is a monument-a St. George-Substacker. No, boy, this is not Zhora, this is George. No, man, he does not cut sausage, he hobs the snake. What? Well, I don’t know why he cut into pieces. Apparently, the sculptor never saw how the snakes are chopped, he cut the sausage all the time.
So, we are not distracted. To the right of us the victory of Hika. See, Stella? Who said: "The flea is chained"? No, boy. This is not an insect that has been saved. This is the victory of Hika. No, man, her legs are not extended. These are angels in pipes are trumpeted in different directions. Well, I don’t know why they are so trumpeting. Apparently, the sculptor never saw how the angels are trumpeting in the pipes, but I saw something else that you see.
A man, a sculptor cannot be criticized. He is a very respected man among his friends. There are already many masterpieces in Moscow on the conscience of this sculptor. By the way, he owns such a masterpiece as a monument to Peter I. He saw? What do you think? Not simular? Who does it look like? On Kisa Vorobyaninov in Bigudi? What did you say, man? On SISI in Pantalones? Man, where did you see the Pantalones on SISI? Pantalones are not worn at SISI.
I'll explain everything to you now. Just at first the sculptor sculpted Columbus for the Americans. But those, as they saw Columbus, said that with such a face America should be closed, not opened. And they did not let him into America. Therefore, the monument to Peter is unique in that it is collecting. The head from Peter I, the torso - from the returned columbus, the legs from the first version of the horse of Zhukov.
I ask you to pay attention to this courtyard. See, there is a monument to H.V. Gogol. Recently, a well -known Moscow authority Donut was shot in this courtyard. See flowers at the feet of Nikolai Vasilyevich? Now every day they bring fresh flowers to Gogol for a donut. No, you will not see the grave of the donut itself, because he is buried on Vagankovsky. But you can easily find his grave there: he is buried between Yesenin and Vysotsky.
Ah, completely forgot. Now Vagankovskoye is closed for reconstruction. There is a new memorial “The grave of an unknown banker” is being prepared for delivery. With eternal fire. The sponsor of the Eternal Flame is Gazprom. In the middle of the memorial, granite stella made of golden gold with the inscription “Pahana from the roots. Sleep calmly, understand? " So, gentlemen, your impressions of the updated Moscow would be incomplete if I had not shown you a beauty salon where our pop and rock stars make a face transplant using new technology. Have you seen what kind of ruddy cheeks our stars have? We saw, yes? This is because they transplant the skin on their face with the buttocks, so they are called-pop stars. Why with buttocks? Because there the skin does not lend itself to the evil eye.
So, gentlemen, we are not distracted, not distracted. We are on Tverskaya. Tverskaya is the central panel ... Oh, sorry, the street of our city. To the right of us, a monument to the mayor of Moscow - Yu. Luzhkov. It is called "Yuri Long -armed." Gentlemen, what is the famous Tverskaya? Boy, well, how do you know such bad words as "confusion"? What, Khryusha Stepashka told how he went to Moscow? And now with Khryusha? Does the Piglet heal? So, but interesting, despite the fact that these confusion live in the porches, they eat exclusively with herbs.
Grandfather, that you have been so perceived? Do you have greens? A lot of? How? Two bunches of dill, three - parsley, one celery? For such greens, you can only enjoy your own celery.
Gentlemen, we are Swami on Pushkinskaya Square. How is this square famous? That's right, woman. The fact that two years ago, a trolley bus exploded on it. And what is Pushkin himself? That's right, by the fact that the Communists gather near his monument on holidays. She is a woman. Pushkin himself was not a communist, but he sympathized with him. You remember his poems about the October Revolution: “October has already come. So let's drink, nanny, where is the mug? " Young man, you did not understand something: the Communists gather in front of the monument. Red, not blue. The blue gather behind the monument, so Pushkin himself is green.
In general, it is pleasant that in Moscow there are many literary places: the restaurant "Tolstoy", the strip show "Three Sisters", the laundry of them. Tsvetaeva. By the way, recently, the night disco has opened. Shevchenko for gays, which is called "gay, lads." Then even the liquid-watering plant released vodka called "Tchaikovsky". You drink and the real "Nutcracker" begins in the head
What, girl? What would you like? Which gallery to go to? Of course, in Tretyakovskaya. The Turks recently updated it, painted with paintings. And now you will receive true pleasure from such masterpieces as: “Arkady Gaidar kills his own grandson”, “Sister Alenushka and broker Ivanushka”. In the middle of the composition Alyonushka with a stone on the neck from Yudashkin, and next to her brother with the words "You will answer for the goat."
You will see such paintings as “The second coming of Viktor Stepanovich”, “Cossacks filling the tax return”, “Vityaz on Rasputina” and an amazing masterpiece “Three new Russian heroes”: Boris Hikolyich, Boris Efimych and Boris Abramych. That's all, gentlemen. The tour is coming to an end. I plant you on Manezhnaya Square. Below, underground are exclusive stores. The main attraction of these stores is their prices. It was here that the buyer once came, looked at prices and asked: "Are these prices or phone numbers?" So, welcome to the capital, gentlemen.

Zadornov jokes about Russians

Zadornov jokes about Russians:

Only our man, stepping on a rake a second time, rejoices that they have not yet been stolen.
For me personally, the arrival of the end of the world is not as terrible as the loss of the end of the tape.
Russia is the best homeland in the world! But the most awkward state.
The daughters of Vladimir Putin will not go to the polls, because they do not choose parents.
They allowed “it” to call coffee because there they cannot remember that there is “it” coffee. Well, if the coffee is “it”, then Fursenko is “it”.
The program of demolition of dilapidated housing put forward by the President of Russia will question the further existence of Russia.
A plate on a vegetable stall: "The stall works before the onset of darkness."
Announcement in the newspaper: “I will buy an overlock. At least I find out what it is ... ".
Few people know that the first of all, dahlias and asters do not like.
Did you know that the recently deceased minibus driver rebelled from the dead after the Morge worker slapped the door too loudly.
Our guillotine was invented - laziness was to wave an ax.
Sign. If you were imprisoned, then you stole a little. And if you were put in the Duma or the government, then you stole a lot.
Only our person can, standing on the river bank, from admiration for swearing on a sunny path.
Old age is when you bend to tie laces and think what else to do?!
If we want to ruin any state, we must be friends with this state.
They transferred the arms race with us somehow, and no one will suffer friendship.
If you are more than one day, you feel happy, then they hide something from you.
The American thinks on the go, the German is standing, the Englishman - sitting, and the Russian - then. First, he does, and then thinks how to make out what he did.
- When the Russians look into the room and see that there is no one there, they say "not a soul." That is, the main thing in man is the soul. And the English -thought people in such cases say “nobody” - there is no body. This very accurately reflects their psychology. For them, a person is a body, and for us a soul.
- It is much easier for our people to come up with an all -terrain vehicle than to put the road in order.
- The Russian Princess Anna Yaroslavna, who became the famous Queen of France, marrying the king, was the worst of all at the French court: she alone knew how to read, washed and brushed her teeth - that’s a Russian savage.
“Personally, I don’t know how you were embraced by genuine pride when coaches, judge and boxers in the ring during the Olympic Games-all cursed in Russian.
- In the Middle Ages, a guarantor of trust in a woman was the key to the belt of fidelity. Nowadays - a password from a page on a social network.
- And there is also a day of fidelity. Also - one day. In the end, it is not difficult to be faithful for one day and this is a brave achievement, of course, to celebrate.
-Incredibly, in the word “devoted” two meanings at once, and mutually exclusive to each other: devoted to someone and devoted to someone.
It seems like the difference was always so significant for us that it was not necessary to come up with an extra word. For example, a people devoted to the government, or a people devoted to the government. I think that in order to never be mistaken, we must always say: we, Russians, are a devoted people.
- While you read our evacuation plan - you will burn with the plan!
- We have two words: the homeland and the state. We love the homeland. Therefore, the homeland is “our mother”, and the state is “Your mother!”
- Without love in the heart, any dignity of a person turns into his drawback. For example: pride becomes pride, honor - arrogance, education - by hypocrisy, and courage and courage without love for people are simply dangerous for society. So in the professions. A journalist who does not love people is paparazzi. The inconsistent poet is pop, an actor - a parodist, an imitator ... And self -expression without love is a banal boasting.
- As you can argue, what is better to live: in a capitalist or socialist society, - after all, under socialism, not a single person has yet lived.

Zadornov - jokes about Americans

Zadornov - jokes about Americans:

- I wonder why the Americans show the middle finger, and the Russian hand on the elbow?
- This question is why the Americans, yes, can be asked endlessly. Why did they throw bombs on the peaceful citizens of Hiroshima? After all, the Japanese were already ready to lay down a weapon - literally in a few days. No, the Americans had to frighten the Soviet Union, time until the war ended. And how many civilians suffered ...
- We despise the West, but this does not prevent us from copying it in everything
- “Americans only from the age of 21 under the law are allowed to drink alcohol. Ours at the age of 21 are already quitting to drink! "
“Only in Russia can money allocated to fight corruption”
“Bill Gates decided to help the needy starving children of Africa and sent 130 megabytes to Nigeria to Nigeria”
- "Do not sit on someone else's skate - you will become a hunchback"
- "Only in Russian traffic lights the end of the yellow and the beginning of red is considered green"
- "Over the thousand -year history of Russia, no one has yet caused Russia more harm than the Russians themselves."
- "Do you know that if you can google, then you can pride and dramatize, and ... brake!"
- "Manager is a man of non -traditional vocational orientation"
Thank you, Mikhail Nikolaevich for everything, especially for the trolling of Americans, the land will be fluff for you ...
The shortest joke about America: McDonald's is a restaurant.
A famous picture of the Russian artist Malevich “Black Square” went to New York to the exhibition. However, political correct Americans, in order not to offend the black population of America, put it under the name "Afrockwadrata".

Zadornov - short jokes

Zadornov - short jokes:

Only in this country they can drink one and a half liters of vodka, and then get behind the wheel. We are invincible.
Foreigners in vain call us stupid and worthless. They themselves are not very smart in comparison with us ... Of course, they also invented something. Automatic telephones, for example. But we were the first to guess how to call them without a coin: you put a wand from Eskimo into the gap - you talk as much as you want.
According to the classical Russian diet, you need to eat once a day. But from morning to evening!
Only in this country, two men can stand in minus forty at the stall and drink beer from mugs, piercing the ice with dirty fingers. We are invincible.
A fat man sounds insulting. We must say "horizontally oriented."
Honestly, I am already for Ukraine to be accepted faster to the European Union. The faster Ukraine joins the European Union, the faster it will fall apart.
“Only in Russia can a person get drunk at night, and then think at midnight: now go to the toilet or still to endure until the morning?”
Did you know that the last hope of Russian football is Russian hockey.
Russian customs officers for the search for drugs created a detachment of specially trained Dutch.

How different peoples relate to frost in different countries:
10 degrees) - The Americans are shivering, Russians plant cucumbers.
2 - The Italians do not start cars, the Russians drive with open windows ... They observe how cucumbers grow.
0 - In France, water freezes, in Russia it thickens.
-5 - In Canada, they include heating. The Russians went to the picnic for the last time, dig cucumbers.
-25 - In Europe, public transport does not work! The Russians stop eating a seal on the street ... They switch to Eskimo so that their hands do not freeze. Eat cucumbers.
-40 - Finnish special forces are evacuated from Lapland Santa Claus, in Russia boots are prepared for possible frosts. The cucumbers are twisted for the winter.
-113 - Life on Earth stops. The Russians have a bad mood ... ethyl alcohol froze, cucumbers have to lick.
-273 - Absolute zero. The atomic movement stops. Russians swear: “Well, damn it! Cold! The tongue froze ... to the cucumbers. "

Yesterday, the population census was held in the Vatican. The remaining half a day decided to devote to prayers.
One night in Kyiv, the Klitschko brothers were attacked by hooligans. Thus, “Kyevsky cutlets” were invented.
The Duma is preparing for the adoption of a new law on taxation: "The property remaining after taxes is considered to be covered from taxation and is subject to withdrawal."
A student is a person who dreams of changing the world. A young specialist is a person whom the world has already changed.
The business of the businessman is beautiful, but short!
If a man says that he does not understand anything in women, then he has already figured it out!
If a stranger woman likes a man more than his own, it means that he did not look at both in both!
The only thing that was inherited by our people from generation to generation was poverty, resourcefulness and enthusiasm.
Did you know that there is no more accurate driver than the one who forgot the documents at home.
Do not sit on someone else's skate - you will become a hunchback.
Surgeons during the operation put on the faces of the mask so that in the event of an unsuccessful operation, patients will not be able to identify them.
The best works best in life in life.
Furiable should be increased in bed, not at meetings.
The popular Soviet magazine “Science and Life” began to be released in a new, more modern version - “Science and existence”.
The Japanese are very fond of sushi. Especially from sushi they love the Kuril Islands.
Alla Pugacheva, after a divorce from Kirkorov, sued him all the property, but allowed her to see her daughter Orbakaite on weekends.
Political news. Yesterday, in Iran, in protest against modern American politics, a rally under the motto “Close America” was held. The rally participants burned the stuffed columbus.
The FSB is preoccupied with the search for a doctor who cut V.V. Putin as a child to the umbilical cord. Recently, the president recalled that this doctor hurt him.
Superfine: If you are so smart, then why are you so rich?
Many men were destroyed by drunkenness, gluing, smoking, unwillingness to take care of the house ... But even more men were destroyed by the desire to quit drinking, smoking and starting to take care of the house.
If you arrest Abramovich and sentenced to some term with confiscation of property, then the Chelsea football team will become Russian. And Chukotsky!
In connection with the tightening of the visa regime, from next year, the passport will be issued only for a recognizance not to leave.
The Russian government urgently decides on what is better to do: to establish a heating system in the northern cities or wait for the global warming of the planet?
According to the Social Research Fund, it turns out that in the world it has become fashionable men to be present during childbirth. Since many of them were absent during conception.
If you want to treat people well, do not demand that they treat you well.
Our authorities talk about the people, forgetting about a person.
They lived happily and long until they met each other!
Private banks in Russia take money from people, and private universities are the future.
The policeman tried to establish a person. Personality fell all the time.
I would call half of our officials to a duel, but years will go to the issuance of a call, and I will be ineffective.
Officials are very fond of looking at the sea surf from the shore: rollback for rollback!
- Comrade policeman, you probably have to work with thieves, prostitutes all the time. - No, there are normal people among colleagues!
Freedom of speech is when the people have the right to speak, and power - the same right not to listen to it.
The Olympics shocked the next scandal: for the doping of the Kenyan athlete, the 83rd place was deprived.
Ivan Tsarevich filed for a long time with a frog until he saw a note: “Caution! You are removed with a hidden camera! ”
Modern signsa. If six months after the election you are not yet ashamed of the one you chose, then you did not go to the polls!
During the elections, the rate is made on the vast majority, which is suppressed.
The queen came from Bodun to the magic mirror and says: "Be quiet, I know."
In Russian folk proverbs, secret legal meaning is hidden:
“There is power, there is no mind” - up to three years of general regime.
"You will not be forcibly sweet!" - From seven to fifteen.
"Not caught, not a thief!" - Deputy inviolability.
- Girl, do you believe in love at first sight?
- Do you think that with my “minus five” is it possible?
Television in Europe can be watched under beer with nuts. In Russia - only for vodka and not clinking.
Only the one who owns this casino wins in the casino.
They say women love with ears. You can imagine how lucky the crocodile of the gene was if Cheburashka was a woman.
“Clap with eyelashes and take off,” hooligans hummed, unscrewing the motor from Carlson.
Our enemies in the West, when they are asked to explain what the term “tandem” means in Russia’s policy, use the English word “swingers” for its translation.
In Russia, only one minister was with a specialized education - Kudrin. For this he was fired!
Mikhail Prokhorov did not pass growth-control.
The oligarch, who came to politics, resembles a pickpocket who decided to play with thimbles.
Russia is going to establish a diplomatic mission with the state of Tuval, who recognized Abkhazia and South Ossetia. True, Russia does not yet know that Tuvalu recognized them, thinking that these were ancient gods.
Tuvalu recognized Abkhazia and South Ossetia, but still did not admit that the land is round.
Tymoshenko was given 7 years for gas, Khodorkovsky was given 14 years for oil. From which we can conclude that our oil is two times more expensive than gas.
In Ukrainian prisons, discipline deteriorated sharply after the message that a woman with a scythe will come to them soon.
After what happened to Yulia Tymoshenko, the Chinese Prime Minister is afraid to sign a gas supply contract with Putin.
Kadyrov said that Allah gives money to Chechnya, but Allah-Prime Minister, or Allah-President, did not specify.
Lukashenko constantly says in the conversations to Putin: "I don’t understand why you need this intermediary?"
After Putin began to be compared with Brezhnev, it is less and less mentioned that Leonid Ilyich ruled in the era of stagnation.
The son of Medvedev starred in "Eralash". According to the media, he went through a common casting. But the press is silent that on this day, by some strange chance, no one else came to the casting.
The iron logic of our leaders haunts me. For example, to take our army, Trotsky - a man who never served, founded this army, and Medvedev is a man who never served, now reforms it.
They want to make an army half contract. Therefore, each soldier will be obliged to sign half a contract and receive crew.
Sobyanin has been managing Moscow for a year now. And as Sergei Semenovich himself claims, he completed his main task in this post - Luzhkov for a year as not the mayor.
Sobyanin for a year as a mayor - it's time to bite the apiary.
It is amazing not that Russia defeated Andorra, but how the latter managed to pick up 11 men who could play football.
It turns out that the term “jumping rickery” is not gymnastic, but political.
You did not notice how exactly the names of some ministers reflect what is happening to what they are responsible for? We have some Levitinsky roads and transport, in justice very Konovalovo, in healthcare complete Golikov, in sports somehow everything is mutko, digital technologies we dumps right and left! Only Shmatko remained from the energy, and in the names of the Minister of Education, schoolchildren are already making three mistakes as in a famous word of three letters.