Adult jokes - the best selection for raising the mood

Adult jokes are humorous, slightly peculiar, poetic works that can cheer up any person. They can be read in a narrow family circle, just to raise the mood, or use it as a fun pause when holding competitions at more large -scale events with a large number of guests.

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Adult jokes - the best selection

Adult jokes are the best selection:

Here is a certain thing - so I'm a certain!
A crow slammed from the branch!
It’s funny to everyone, and she attacks her -
Well, you have to fall like that!

******************
Grandfather Cyril tomorrow morning
I wet my legs in a puddle,
And today he is kaloshi
For my misfortune, I drank it!

******************

What are this miracles -
A hare and fox in the sky,
And behind them a crocodile! ..
In vain, I smoked a broom.

******************
I bought my wife a cap -
Well, what a fool am I!
And I would buy a fur coat
And I would not give an oak!

******************

I am three hundred years old today -
This is true, not nonsense!
I'll take the gun
And I will kill a cuckoo!

******************

My mirror, tell me the light
Yes, report the whole truth.
- I am in the world sweeter than everyone,
All are blurry and whiter?
And my mirror in response:
- Sweeped pancake, I'm a tablet!

******************

I'm walking past the cemetery, I smoke silently,
I look at the mound with cautiously.
Suddenly, a voice from the coffin:
- To spend you?
So very quickly I quit smoking.

******************

With a dirty spoon in a pocket,
With bald cactus in the hand,
I'm going to battle with a woman
That lives in the attic
I will set it with a spoon
And make a cactus to eat,
I'm a little fool
I have a certificate!

******************

In the morning at Tatyana at school
The head was sick or something.
And they are with a girlfriend Ira
We drank a little beer.
After the fifth glass
The director found them.
Tanya was angry
And since it was
Can -
Then she sent her obscenities.
The director started up
In general, the fight began.
Well, somehow there in a drunk
They broke Tatyana's nose.
Yes, and the eye is shot down,
And her heart hurts -
Tanya without warning
The guy threw on Sunday.
Later Tanya went home
The ball carried in front of her.
There were few failures -
I dropped the ball into the river ...

******************

A vacuum cleaner fell in love with a washing machine.
He sang her serenades and kissed her sucking,
He burned all from passion, without melting,
And something in him was buzzing with tension.
Nice with a vacuum cleaner walk under the moon,
But a husband is completely different for a washing machine.
The washing machine is not a girl already
And the Finnish refrigerator is more to her liking.
He is white like an iceberg, solid like a piano,
Nothing with him is scary and nothing sorry.
That he’s passionate in the vacuum cleaner, but barefoot,
And the refrigerator is full of smoked sausage.
How difficult it is to make a choice and resolve the issue
A solid refrigerator or passionate vacuum cleaner?
And here is also the third from the admiration of him,
So strokes that not to be sought with a heartbeat.
There is no perfection in the world. Let's talk about something else.
The washing machine fled with the iron.
But at night she also dreams of a vacuum cleaner barefoot,
And the Finnish refrigerator with smoked sausage.

******************

The mind cannot understand Russia,
So far, 0.5 has not been drunk.
And when 0.5 is drunk,
The whole thing seems not cunning
And to understand deeper
Already smacks of a liter.

******************

Mom is sleeping, she is tired.
We quickly pull the blanket
Let us paint the belly for mom
(you are a belly from a half-labuz!)
Maybe we will paint the walls?
I'm an awesome artist!
The blanket with flowers! ..
Quiet ... do not bother mom!
Bring the scissors rather
Cut off the more equally!
We train slowly
Fine motor skills!
Mom is sleeping, she's tired ...
After all, without a blanket!
We will tame mom with a fur coat!
Sorry, some kind of lining is rude ...
Did you remove the scissors, brother?
Not? Do you cut a coupon in a savings bank?
Sleep, mother, sleep, dear.
We are quietly ... without interfering ...

Jokes of jokes for adults to raise mood

Jokes of jokes for adults to raise mood:

Marriage ad
Looking for a wife capable of creating
Cosiness in the stable, in the stable - grace.
Capable of not overshadowing anything,
Capable of silence on occasion,
Capable of understanding me when
I'm not in myself (that is, almost always)
Capable of nonsense cannot weave,
Innocent say "sorry"
Capable of captivating in years,
Sew and knit, cook, stew and stove.
Capable of building a budget so
So that there was money, even if not.
Able to forgive my sins
Capable of reading my poems ...
Capable, in short,
Living with what I have been for so many years!

********************

After yesterday
I am ready for you for a lot,
Just get away from yesterday.
Pity me lonely
Take care of me awesome.

********************

Inspired by vannia in pairs
I am ready for you for different ones.
Do not scold me, love me.
Do not drive me, beautiful.

For the misconduct, my bad ones,
For the party my noisy
Do not Care me, faithful,
Do not scold me, young.

I am ready for you for a lot,
Forgive you ... Get ready with strength ...
Have pity on me wretched.
And go for beer ... dear ...

********************

I write to you not just like
I write to you with a hospital bed,
There are no two fingers on the hand,
It is hot under gypsum, as on the beach,
At the head of the head - feces in the pot,
And my Kal, I don't even know ...

Punctures in the gall bladder,
Burn in the Genitalia area.
Sisters wear me mashed potatoes
And three times a day some kind of potassium ...

********************

So what happened? And you will not understand ...
I remember the bottles, I passed the beer.
The wife cooked a fat borsch,
And for the second - chop.

And I, a haste from my stomach, said:
- Thank you, Lena, very tasty!
And then ... further - darkness.
And the echo of a mournful cryst.

The doctor says I'm weak
I have a month to lie like logs.
But by the way, it is to blame:
The wife is Ira, not Lena ...

********************

I asked Uncle Fedi
Why is the car driving?
Uncle Fedya Nose rubbed
And he said, she has a motor.
I corrected Uncle Fedya
Not with her, but her.
Uncle Fedya was angry
Oh, you damn it.
I am just in case in the hand
He took a fragment of brick
And he said that I was not a pancake
And the descendant of Ilyich.

********************

The old man at the bazaar sold his wife.
Nobody gave a ruble for the old woman
- It hurts your old woman is thin!
- The damned is sick. Just trouble!
- But what about bed? Have you been to her for a long time?
- Yes, what is the use of her, lies like a log!
One guy regretted the old man:
- Dad, her hand is not easy.
Let's stand with my grandmother
Perhaps we will sell your old woman!
- Selling? - Buy, if it is rich!
The old woman, look, is not an old woman, but a treasure!
- It hurts your old woman is thin!
- In the appearance of a non -casist, in bed - a star!
- And a lot of the old woman reads about sex!
- Yes, it reads a lot, and there is practice!
-Yes, something gloomy is your old woman?
- You will bring one hundred grams - you can’t hold it then!
The old man looked at his old woman:
Why am I, Matrena, sell you!
I will not sell my old woman to anyone!
Such a sex woman needs it ...

********************

I recovered a little
Fifty kilograms.
Ahead of the harmonica hangs ahead.
Behind? It seems that they are not hanging.
- Vanya, look, what is visible from behind?
It is difficult to turn the neck.
Faster, God's sake!
- Tama - priest, tuta - chest.
You have a mustache in place
It’s only hard to get around.
It was still around the "Nassomat",
Got lost along the way.
Do not measure with a centimeter
A delightful volume!
Shield from the sun and from the wind,
Do not compare with another woman!
It doesn’t matter, my bomb,
What the scales went off.
I will honor you to the coffin!

Original Russian jokes for adults

Original Russian jokes for adults:

Like a frantic traffic jam
Mosquito flies into the premise,
Hit his hand over the ass,
And he will die from indignation

*******************

Darkness. Suddenly a bright light
Screams, white office.
Pacifier. Milk. Bed.
There are five diapers for a day.
Nursery, kindergarten, school waltz.
Cigarettes, preference.
Institute and glass of vodka.
Call. Army. Caps.
Kisses. The girl is a class.
Sex. There is a registry office at once.
Children. Screams - do not sleep,
Change of diapers again.
Pain in the side. Recipe. Pharmacy.
The grandson is in old age.
The coffin cover. Everybody! Kaput!
Well, well, the days are running!

*******************

Man, why are you so persistent?
You are one continuous concern!
Well, a liter of Martini killed for two ...
Is this a reason for dating?
Why would there be any emotions?
Just a couple of a three-tier brudershaft ...
Are you already with cosmic feelings?
Yes, you are not like an astronaut!
Did you stroke in your trousers in the crotch?
I wiped the mayonnaise of the blot!
Well, she showed a drop of excess tenderness ...
So now, run to the registry office?
Yes, maybe it's just for fun I
I brought you to her cottage!
And the fact that I am lying here with you, -
That's exactly nothing means.

*******************

He took off his shoes - he became lower
He took off his coat - and became thinner.
Without a suit - gloss to eater,
Without glasses - it looks stupid.
He threw off his hat - a whip out
Without gloves-hands-hands.
Without a vest - the chest is more,
He took out his teeth - worse sounds.
Without a portfolio - a simpler view,
Without a mobile phone - like a beggar.
I threw off the shirt - completely skinny,
Fuck a mustache - such a nose!
I looked - laughed!
How important items of custody are!
He had to take off his underpants -
And there will be no person.

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You will wake me up at dawn
You will certainly get on the teeth.
I will wean you from the habit
Wake up on Sunday at dawn!

*******************

You pointed to the diamonds with a finger
You shout: "Buy me this beauty!"
You were my dream girl,
Until I recognized your dream.

*******************

A hedgehog came out of the fog
I drank vodka half a glass
I took out a knife, sausage
Good in the native forest
Quietly dragged on the song
He cried about unfulfilled
I looked into an empty glass
And again he went into the fog ...

*******************

In every grown man,
Like in any other cattle
There are fats and carbohydrates
And of course protein!
He must have a salary,
Drink, smoke, jump for girls,
Otherwise, he will explode
Fuck-Babah-and there is no him!

*******************

A man wanders around the villages,
The horses are slowing down for a gallop,
It enters the burning huts ...
He probably will transvest.

*******************

I loved to read from my tender childhood
About the feelings that the Shakespeare was sung,
She imagined herself a heroine
And passionately dreamed of going to Juliet.

And finally, among the noisy ball,
He met me - my Romeo Montecca!
I, of course, instantly recognized him
And then he fell in love with him forever!

And the eyes met ... The arms opened ...
And my dreams were bright and brave! ..
But I, alas, had no understanding,
That from childhood he dreamed of going to the hotel ...

*******************

I went home through the rain and bad weather,
And she could not calm down ...
It turned out that female happiness -
This is just male dignity.

Folk jokes for adult humorous

Folk jokes for adults humorous:

If you see a hatch in the wall,
Water flows from it.
Do not scare this glitch,
This happens sometimes.

*****************

If you are big love
You can't find in any way
Then find yourself soon
A lot of little love ...

*****************

There are women in Russian villages,
Their women are gently called:
The elephant on the run will be stopped,
And the trunk will be torn off.

*****************

Forget the love of my confession.
I always lied and now.
No, there is a charm in you
But I love more ... Kisel!

*****************

Throw you with flowers
Tire you with poems
Not hinting at anything
Invite tea to a cup
Treat with vanilla cake,
And then have sex.

*****************

From chewing gum,
Five kilograms,
You can fly out shoes
For the last path.

*****************

From a piece of colored paper,
Having taken scissors and glue,
If you have enough courage
You can make one hundred rubles.

*****************

Like a frantic traffic jam
Mosquito flies into the premise,
Hit his hand over the ass,
And he will die from indignation.

*****************

How many good girls
How many affectionate names.
And I got with a vile mug
And with an ugly name - Anton.

*****************

How good it is to lie with you
Whisper words to your ear
Hug your hands gently,
My favorite pillow!

*****************

Who is the bolder in the world,
All more beautiful and smarter?
Rhetorical question,
If the barrel looks in the nose!

*****************

Lies in a snowdrift girl, laughs,
Her hysteria brings to ecstasy.
So, stupid, is not available?
Yes, she just got drunk, infection!

*****************

I do not need any sun or clouds,
If only you were in this world.
Do you want me to give you the key
Eighteen by twenty -four.

*****************

Our Tanya, loudly, crying.
I dropped, like, a ball.
There would be no double to her, Dure
It will not drown, after all, in kind.

*****************

Nobody loves Me,
No one is waiting for me
No one will kiss
And the vodka does not pour!

*****************

Night, silence,
And where is your hand now?
And what kind of thoughts are in my head?
What do you want in the dark?
Do not hold him so tightly.
After all, this is your phone, baby!

*****************

Once a cold jam in the winter,
The horse with a rifle for the fence.
She was lying and kicked,
The horse left, and the pipis remained.

*****************

Oh, young men, God created you,
And in the world there is no such creature!
You only miss the horns
So that you become completely goats!

*****************

Spring has come - the time of love
And somehow in a fierce ecstasy
He kissed her traces
On an unheated toilet.

*****************

A brick floats along the river,
Wooden like glass,
Well, let him swim for himself
We don't need plywood!

*****************

Fish oil is more useful,
Drink without mines of tragic.
He will save from all diseases,
Except venereal.

*****************

Sveta does not shine
Masha does not wave
Lyuba does not like
Katya does not roll.

*****************

I'll come tonight
I will break naked
And the night of bliss,
I will spend with you until the morning.
How good to sleep with you
My favorite bed!

*****************

Your eyes in the sun are so similar
On a robbed by an expensive diamond.
Not on any familiar face
I have not seen such eyes!

*****************

I undress you with my eyes timidly
I want to see your tender body
Snuggle up with lips, you are the best in the world,
My dear potatoes are in the uniform!

*****************

You will wake me up at dawn
You will certainly get on the teeth.
I will wean you from the habit
Wake up on Sunday at dawn!

*****************

You came, at the door sat down,
Clips nervously tugging:
“Something I still wanted ...
Damn it ... oh yes! You!"

*****************

I have a stomach ache,
So someone lives there.
If these are not worms,
So you did it.

*****************

My phone rang:
- Who says?
- Elephant.
Then the geese called ...
When will he let me go?

Pribble-appliances for adults

Pribble-appliances for adults:

The country is good Russia!
Here the horse grazes in the coat.
Born here, lived and died
The famous Grandfather Pichto.

A deck grows through a stump,
The amulet for everyone - maybe,
Well, worse than Tatar,
It is clear to everyone - an uninvited guest!

The ruble of a penny is saving here,
The goal for fiction is cunning
Drunk- the sea knee
And there is no thin one without good!

There are seven Fridays here in the week
And not in an eyebrow everything, but in the eye,
Well, and the one who gently creeps
It will definitely sleep hard!

Everything is clear here
Knows horseradish how to continue to live,
There is more than once during the night
The toad can strangle!

Here we are not a wolf work,
For seven troubles - one answer.
Here hiccups on Fedot
And there is no happiness for the sea.

Here since the time of King Gorokha
Makar did not drive the calves,
Crumbs are not collected here
Kohl hurry like a fire.

Here the plaque is buzzing
And purred Eshkin cat.
At the old woman and in the hole
He sees an eye - a tooth is a jar!

Behind Kudykina's city
Sometimes you can’t see a zgi.
The storm of a halt skies the sky -
Better quarrel world.

Here we have a law - what's the drawbar
The butt will not break the whip!
So that something does not work out in the wilderness,
The prosecutor in the taiga is a bear!

We would have everything for free!
God will not give out, the boar will not eat!
Who is stronger - they are right,
To eat a fish, or to get to get on!

Here silence is a sign of agreement.
The less you know the better you sleep!
Our happiness is rain with bad
You can't please everyone here.

Here I found a braid on a stone
Here, what you sow - then you areatting,
What we wrote here -
You can’t understand without a bottle!

*********************

All of us - raspberry crazy,
Cancer will not whistle on the mountain,
Neither in London nor in Berlin,
Do not understand them in any way!

Oh, the fruit is forbidden! You are sweet
Only by the fact that you are banned!
And the coveted dreams
You only give birth to this!

But it is worth quickly losing the ban,
And eliminate obstacles,
You look - already desires - no,
And the fetus is not so sweet!

*********************

Happy hours do not observe, but why?
After all, their days flash like a minute,
But, if there is no happiness, everyone knows
What a day seems to us for a week for some reason ...

*********************

Up to change, so - with the queen,
And if to steal, then immediately - a million,
How to steal on trifles, walk "to the left",
Do not lie that you are in love!

*********************

How is there no thin one without good
So there is no good one without a thin one!
We have to hope for ourselves,
And we, alas, hope for a miracle!

*********************

Give me an orange - a pig.
As he is - ask her advice.
She doesn’t care, at least an orange
Though pineapple in wine:
"Tastier than the acorns in the world
Fruit - no "!

*********************

First we spend health
To accumulate money,
We eat and rest somehow,
Then we spend money without sparing it,
To somehow return health to us ...

*********************

We are chasing the crane in the sky,
We dream about him in ghostly dreams,
Go down to the ground! No matter how it was
The tit is closer, because she is in her hands!

*********************

We scold the mirror very indecent,
Seeing your reflection,
Who is to blame for the face "asymmetrically",
And where is Amalgam, e-mine?

*********************

Well, if you are a humpback, then to the grave,
Neither a surgeon nor a noble orthopedist will help here
You can’t waste money, nor nerves, dear,
Live easily, as if a hump - no!

*********************

Lived in the proud loneliness of the boot,
He was left, did not please jokes and fun,
He could not find his other life,
The same for sure, only the right!

*********************

The calf is affectionate - he is not a fool at all,
He will never disappear anywhere,
To one cow - this way, and to another - like this,
Adapter, but ... both sucks both of them!

*********************

If your head is not too smart
Then vanity will hardly go to her for the future,
Come on - does not give himself peace
So her legs also tortured!

*********************

Chickens are very cute, we love them for this,
They fluffs and squeak very funny,
But do not rush to count them, ahead - all summer,
You will count them when autumn comes ...

*********************

Take the wolf cub to educate
Feeding is regular, he will gain weight,
But life in captivity is a suffering for him:
Saturating, he still looks into the forest!

*********************

Fisherman! We'll have to work hard
I will say a simple truth in advance:
Kohl will be toune, lazy,
After all, the fish itself will not go into the net!

*********************

Trishka’s caftan is good for everyone:
He is fashionable, okay.
But nowhere he is in him:
It is less than Trichka - three times!

*********************

The farther you go into the forest - more firewood,
Good firewood, free, dry!
But the trouble is, because the result is always as follows:
While you bring them, they become so expensive!

Broughteous jokes for adults at the table

The jokes are short for adults at the table:

Dropped the bear on the floor,
They tore Mishka's paw,
A broom is inserted in the ass, a broom,
Bear should have a lot of money.

******************

I love mustachioed women.
Although not suitable for sex,
But Chapaeva is similar
And there are no equal to them in battle!

******************

Sustain traditions must be observed,
Let them answer you more than once,
Of course, the lady may not give,
But to offer, you always have to.

******************

Your ears are like valves
To your face is closed.
At least you are a little and crooked
But still you are beautiful!

******************

The garbage is different,
Green and red,
But the most dangerous
Green-red garbage.

******************

What are you walking, do not come in?
And you come in, aren't you sitting down?
And you sit down, you don't go to bed
And you go to bed, do you give?
And give, get up, leave,
What are you walking, do not come in?

******************

I will kiss and caress you
I’ll climb quietly into your pants,
I'll take off your underpants carefully ...
I will remove the elastic band from them and make a slingshot!

******************

I water them with water,
I cover a blanket
You are growing quickly,
My little Titi!

******************

I keep you in the shower
You scream, nice to listen.
He cuts nerves like a current
Yes, you don't like boiling water!

******************

I'm waiting, but you don't come,
I'm waiting for you to drive me crazy
Hands, legs, body, body, go numb
I wanted to enter you so
But only the door of the dream is ahead
Oh elevator, when will you come?

******************

I'm sitting on the toilet
I cry loudly.
Why so much eat,
And I poke so badly.

******************

I do not need any sun or clouds,
I need you alone in this world.
I'll give you a wrench,
Twenty -two by twenty -four.

******************

When you look in a purse
Where instead of money is a bunch of dust,
Do not speak with longing: no!
But with gratitude: they were!

******************

The holder of cheerful freckles,
Petya Vasin was a round excellent student.
He loved old men and old women
Throw the electric trains under the wheels.

Adult jokes about human shortcomings

Adult jokes about human shortcomings:

Sustain traditions must be observed,
Let them answer you more than once,
Of course, the lady may not give,
But to offer, you always have to.

********************

Your ears are like valves
To your face is closed.
At least you are a little and crooked
But still you are beautiful!

********************

I will kiss and caress you
I’ll climb quietly into your pants,
I'll take off your underpants carefully ...
I will remove the elastic band from them and make a slingshot!

********************

There are any reasons for drunkenness:
Fools, holiday, meeting, wires.
Christening, wedding and divorce,
Frost, hunting, New Year,
Recovery, housewarming,
Sadness, repentance, fun,
Success, reward, new rank
And just drunkenness - for no reason.

********************

The mistress threw the bunny
Comrade Bunny drank strongly
Drank a hat and a coat
Pijachishko and pants
He now lives in a mink
Sleeps on a bench under a slide
Became thin, overgrown with bristles
It stinks of a dog
The eye is knocked out, the ears are swollen
Someone is bitten by someone
The homeless became natural
So it is necessary - rightly!
Remember the hare and believe
Vodka with beer - a terrible beast!

********************

The body is sleeping, it is tired
After all, it thumped yesterday.
The brain is also not to the body,
His departments are sleeping quietly.
Sleeps irrevocable,
And yesterday it was carefree
He was carrying nonsense skillfully
But by the morning everything was silent.
And the stomach sleeps tired,
Only the ulcers were not enough.
Only the liver does not sleep
It was necessary to get drunk like that!

********************

The holder of cheerful freckles,
Petya Vasin was a round excellent student.
He loved old men and old women
Throw the electric trains under the wheels.

********************

Youth, she is like -
He drinks and smokes fear.
He will not understand, if the louse,
That health cannot be returned.

********************

Our young clavka
I found a jamb on the grass.
Anasha turned out to be -
Dragged and left ...

********************

Vodka poured as a river
In the middle of the company.
They drank everything with development -
That is with muzzle.

********************

Kolka Pupkin drinks beer,
He has a large stomach.
The sprat rejoices with the wobble,
Wow, the aquarium is healthy.

********************

On the screen of the monitor
A lot of any enthusiasm.
Do not tear yourself away from him
Even there is no time to go.

********************

Our computer hero
Earned hemorrhoids.
He is from a chair even at night
Does not take off the heel point.

********************

The father says son
Do not sit all day on the chair.
Go better walk
And the girls are embarrassed.

********************

On the Internet Borka Mike
Infinitely likes likes.
She wants to like it
And she will be sorted out.

********************

The whole day is sitting gnawing,
Nails Fedka - a discharge.
Probably know Fedka,
Nails are sweeter than radish.

********************

It picks it in the nose
Masha, hiding the sausage.
And shakes with his foot,
Remembers something.

********************

We are old women young
We are not vulgar, not evil.
Now we will finish beer,
And we will sing songs to you.

********************

I boasted a neighbor:
What else my grandfather is strong,
And she said: “You're lying
Your Semyon is no longer a go! ”

********************

I am an iPhone for birthday
Seryozha gave her grandson,
My grandfather this Sunday
They pounded the nuts!

********************

On the fence of the pantalons
Dry three minutes.
The grandson took into the aero club -
I thought - parachutes!

********************

I am a cure for sclerosis
I drink, almost handfuls ...
I hid the stash somewhere,
Well, where - I don't know ...

********************

On a ticket, on a plane,
I am smoking for a year.
Just need for the resort
My pensions are five hundred.

********************

Something my grandfather suddenly washed
Isn't he falling in love?
I will not go to Ana's neighbor,
Let him live now in the bathhouse.

********************

Grandfather grabbed his back:
You need to treat
Asks: Give me moonshine
And a sandwich sandwich!

********************

I have such a character
Helps in quarrels Walter,
Every evening a new friend -
I beat off my friends!

********************

You have such a character
Frankly, the bastard.
Tarakh like an old tractor,
You will not close your mouth.

********************

Didn't boast that you are beautiful
And composed, like Apollo.
You are a spent character
And in bed is not strong.

********************

Do not look - not beautiful,
But I will lick anyone.
Smart loves for character
And a fool for beauty.

********************

It's time for me to fall in love
But not everyone will fit ...
I am with the character of the girl:
It's hard to approach me!

********************

They say that I am small
Small, I do not deny
But the nature of the combat,
I lift high.

Adult jokes about drinking

Beduits for adults about drinking:

The weather is drunk along the street.
Smokes like vodcoglot.
Rinable rain under the handle
And the wind is an invisible pilot.

******************

Not drinking beer without vodka,
The more they swallow, the wider.
Knows them by flipping gait
Any of the road stones.

******************

Drunkards, like ancestors-prisoners,
Gorlani about gentlemen mother
And they kiss the stones - it’s easier for them,
Falling, take a nap on them.

******************

Muslyavia rains are fine days,
Like a drunkard lips in a beer.
All this excites passers -by ...
All this seems to be in the fall
Stinking pair.

I hate a hack to death.
As you want, scold, do not scold.
Raw spiked, believe me,
He supplied from above and down.

******************

The weather is drunk along the street.
Neither that she is not a lot, no.
Chapkov, Bars - Cursed Darkness.
Sivukha carries from the wind.

Two -legged bad weather - flour,
Misfortunes for our family.
Take drunkards in strong hands
Reasonable friends!

******************

At the Parku resort
Health spoiled with vodka.

******************

Do not drink at least a century
But after the bath,
As a person,
Take champagne.

******************

I do not drink alcohol, sorry,
He tore all the threads with the drunkards.

******************

You are wine, I have a mineral water.
I pay for a glass of nickname.
I will treat you, I don't feel sorry
Well, I am a good and simple.

******************

My friends are sea,
I will ask you about one thing:
Why did I poison my brains
And vodka and wine?

I could do a lot
For the homeland of good,
When I would not take a grog
I would not have burned them a gut.

******************

We do not drink alcohol field
Do not wear alcohol to us.

******************

I, old, do not drink wine.
It carried it to me.
But henceforth does not pass the brushwood:
Keeping my health honey.

******************

I did not drink six days, but on the seventh
My dear got drunk again.

******************

From noon from beer, starting,
By the end of the day as Satan I am.

******************

I drink vodka daily
And I always smoke tobacco.
Ducks, sting the throat
And scare the evil dogs.

******************

I am healthy
And in some places sick.
I drank under the bushes.
He was pleased with his life.

******************

Not new for me
Anyone's wine.
Nothing alcohol
I have not been drinking for a long time.

******************

Do not teach me guilty.
I drink only tea for old age.

******************

Rublevka I do not get a rowing
And drunkenness is not affordable for me.
From now on, I will live more modestly,
I will stop drinking alcohol.

******************

To the fiftieth anniversary
Native state
I strive not to get sick
I spit on all medicines and drink moonshine.

******************

My sick wounds
Alcohol will not cure.
I will leave restaurants
I'll start going to the cinema.

******************

In the radish, on the Repe, Lee,
What we just did not drink.

******************

You drink and drink
Go your way.
We are not stupid
And don't touch us better!

******************

The bottle remains
Wonderful drink.
While alcohol is drunk,
Wonderful and living.

******************

When the bottle is empty
And there is nothing to swallow
You, the number is flipping,
You can't relax.

******************

I do not drink vodka, but compote,
Living without painful worries.

******************

You have to be a round boob,
I was ill from wine,
Drink it with a glass again
Proclaiming: "To the bottom!"

******************

Drinking like pampering,
I threw to the ducks.
Give me please,
Honey kilograms.

******************

The ruble is thirty -eight
Honey half a kilo.
And wine? I am with him
For spite.

******************

Rain, rain, if you are a friend
Arable land, nivam and forests,
Root crops, cereals, fruits
Water often yourself.

The irrigation people are lazy
And hops sometimes in the morning;
Overturning to the fields,
Waiting for pumping out of a bucket.

You are worse than you, you're worse than you,
Their drum on their ears:
They are your noise more healing flute,
Souls are warmer than baths.

During everyday work
More merciless Lei on those
Who was drunk like idiots,
From which there are no pleasures.

Beduits for adults about women

Beduits for adults about women:

Why do I need burning huts?
Why do I need running horses?
I am a woman, not a fireman!
I am a woman, not Budyonny!

**********************

Yes, I'm cutting, sometimes malicious,
Conquest in me is not visible,
Stubborn and rude sometimes,
As gunpowder is quick -tempered, I will not hide ...
But that’s all - only the view from the outside,
Inside, believe me ... even worse!

**********************

Our men are a competent people!
You can’t buy them with a dummy at the parade!
They will let the woman go forward
To evaluate the presentation and behind.

**********************

NEAR THE WINDOW
She woke up, reached out
And naked went to the window.
Fifty men went crazy,
Fifty - wiped the saliva.
KAMAZ Chernoki drove into the door
The helicopter fucked in a tailspin,
Grabbed in a square by the heart
Gray -haired, venerable years.
It happened in Lake Tsunami,
Volcano monster flow of passions,
Stood with swollen pants
At the house of the uncle of all stripes.
Small satellite left orbit,
She yawned and said:
Here is a pancake! Everything, like yesterday ...

**********************

When I become old
When I become old
And I will be one hundred years old
Under my balcony with a guitar
My dear grandfather will come.
Grunting, straighten his back,
Will pull his stomach
About the night of the moon, marvelous
He will pass the song.
Flowering tops of the top
Swear and freeze,
Neighboring old women
They will die of envy.

**********************

My friend tortured me with a request
About a strange little puppy
Tell me why do you need a beast
When you communicate with me ...

**********************

Girls do not understand pragmatic men
Walking around the city, just from boredom
They will interrupt shopping for two reasons:
The money ended, hands ended ...

**********************

I am so smart when I am silent.
I am so fresh when I will not drink.
I am so obedient if I sleep.
I love so much when I get used to it.
I am so beautiful in the dark.
I am so rich on the day of salary.
Tell me what I'm to blame,
What are the wrong ones?

**********************

Loan with sweets Sudden sadness ...
I will put music, for example, Leps Grisha ...
Let psychologists fight for the medal,
Trying to patch off the roof that has not gone ...
I will deftly heal my depression ...
Let calories consider themselves
And I love chocolate sweets.
And this seems to be mutually between us.

**********************

MOOD
Wake up, my mood!
Do not be lazy ... not to the face ... do not yawn!
Provide me to accomplish!
Do not hold me gently, the bed ...
Breakfast - coffee, a piece
In the soul, sleep to the end of the house ...
Write me a magic pendel,
What would not go all day, but fly!

**********************

The girl is funny.
I am a cheerful girl
And everything is great for me -
I live happily
All years long!
Life is rich in jokes,
Fate knocks on the horseshoes ...
And Pendlya Magic
Gives me joyfully!

**********************

Woman and shopping
I bought three rings today, two bracelets,
A little of this, then I thought, and acquired this.
Then I went into the boutique, bought two kilos of beautiful creams, powder and mascara,
Then I stopped at my favorite store, I wanted to buy products there, but I bought a shower,
Why, I don’t know, he just shone, beckoned,
Over the shower I bought a polyhlorvinyl,
I thought why, but just like that
After all, in the head of women in stores a full cavard.
I bought a chainsaw for myself
To fight back in the gateway, Manku-Kozla.
Then I grabbed everything on the sale,
Such prices are there that I was in the courage.
Then, a little bit of the shawarma
Satisfied with herself went home.

**********************

Suitcase with happiness
I have disappeared happiness.
We searched the whole house.
Not behind the curtain, under the bed,
There is no in the kitchen under the table.
Suddenly I look - out of the suitcase
A pair of heels sticks out,
There, curled like a kalachik,
My daughter sleeps sweetly.
I will not give it to anyone
Own with happiness of a suitcase!

Beduits for adults about men

Beduits for adults about men:

You are alone for me, like a pancake plate,
Like a cracker in his hand, like your nose in flour,
White as a toilet, bald as a phantom,
Green as a crocodile - you conquered me.
Your ears are locators, to your face are closed,
Your teeth are like chess, shaken in your mouth,
Although you are a little crooked, but still beautiful!

**********************

My man! My hero!
Be always with me!
My only, dear!
The most expensive!
He is a chess player of my love,
He is a hockey player of my freedom!
Shouts: "Do not crush around the neck!"
Nature is so arranged!
He is a football player of my passions,
Basketball player of my desires.
I'm waiting for my news from him
As a fulfillment of desires!
He is a man of my dreams.
Dream will forgive me for taking
I am for my soul ....
He is my male sunnyness!

**********************

They wear a mustache and beards,
And they discuss any problems.
Twenty percent of them are blue.
Forty percent are vodka lovers.
Thirty percent of them are impotent,
Ten - with his head is not fine.
In total, this gives us one hundred percent,
And we have nothing in the rest.

**********************

Men are the same!
Cloned with mother - nature.
Before every woman, in all its glory
They boast, anything!

They believe that their chubby belly
For beer exists. Not from beer!
Interrupted, closing the mouth.
We hear the mats of the highest spill!

Men are the same!
Such…. All similar to the Chinese!
They live in our white lane.
Everybody! Decided! All our zebras are blacks!

**********************

As a hamster you are soft and fluffy,
Friends, like a flea, full,
Like a dog's lousy!
But still I love you very much,
And I want to be with you
You know so, by the way!

**********************

I agree - and never pay,
Let me stagger on the go
Do not let's live, do not feed,
I will come to work anyway.

An advance day - there is no mourning date,
There is simply no it this year,
Hold also the salary,
I will come to work anyway.

I won’t go anywhere,
I had this sea - "in mind",
Naked tea and cracker for dinner,
I will come to work anyway.

I don't need "premium" at all,
I am my figure,
No rewards are needed
I will come to work anyway.

Nothing that the clothes are dented
I don't go to you, keep in mind
If the "entrance" is paid for me,
I will come to work "on credit".

I will come, even if eclipse
I’ll forget about frosts in winter
Even if cloudlessness is in the brain
I WILL COME! But I will not work!

**********************

Life in 100 words
Mom, porridge, spoon, cat, book, bright cover,
Pinocchio, Karabas, satchel, school, first grade,
Dirt in a notebook, three, deuce, dad, scream,
Glotomok, Summer, Labor, Owing, Straight, Autumn,
Collection of scrap metal, Pushkin, Darwin, Cromwell,
Ohm, Robespierre, Napoleon, Mendeleev, Herostratus,
Farewell ball, certificate, institute, exam,
Nerves, competition, lectures, first course, training,
Seminars, songs, dances, containers-bars, charm!
Like! Entails ... session, spring, offset,
Construction team, heat, work, cultural trip, newspaper,
Photo, hostel, "pass" and "misera", radio,
TV, pencil, flight department, house,
Fifth year, project, diploma, vacation, sea,
Steamer, Crimea, Ai-Petri, Tourpage, Kulman,
Chef, the end of the quarter, the workshop, the site,
The plan for the shaft, ZhSK, garage, apartment,
Mother -in -law, son, wife of Elvira, kindergarten,
Bicycle, cards, chess, neighbor, heart,
Liver, overweight, grandchildren, pension of the interns,
Anniversary, clock, reward, speech, monument, fence ...

Jokes jokes funny for adults

Jokes jokes funny for adults:

1. - We met on the internet
- And happiness was not the end
- We did not know, even then
-I'm someone's husband, and you are a wife

**********************

2. - I invited you to eat
- And our evening, it was a success
- So far, the answer is for me
- We are children, you and I can’t

**********************

3. - I walked a path, to you silently
- climbed into the window and was like that
- But surprise to the eyes
- You are not alone, already with another
- Silently getting down, I thought
- What nonsense, you have me

**********************

4. - We met, was modest
- The first date is with you
- We sat silently, we are in the car
- And kisses like that river
- You offered strong tea
- Well, tea, so tea, I thought
- We are quiet in the room - started
- Clothes were taken off and socks
- The bodies of sin, they lost their own
- And the joy of passion was known
- Well, in the morning - my thought
- Where is strong tea - my soul?
- And on the threshold, I hear a voice!
- A little sleepy, monotonous
“Don't think that I am ....?”
- Yes, I didn't think where my tea is?

**********************

5. - walked around the park, it was deserted
- And the darker, the bolder
- Yes, I remember, then the forest turned out
- What they ate, everything was in color
- And the living creatures - quietly staging
- Our moan is laughing - laughing
- And here on the day, I pass
- To the place where Nyun is with you
- And what do I see - the zoo?
- In the eyes of animals - approval!

**********************

6. - I did not know how, then yet
- You told me, hotly
- Not the one knew how to know women
- And the one who fascinated so

**********************

7. - said right away, do not download
- You are so little, by chance
- Thinking and here is the end
- A happy fairy tale, your youth ...

**********************

8. - I experienced many women
- And more than once, was on the edge
- And in every I, I met myself
- And in each was - in his paradise.

**********************

9. - Let's say you, to you
- And I did not, you are reproach
- Let's tell me that you love?
- And I said that I love!

**********************

10. - We were sitting in a cafe
- And the views were like a fairy tale
- You kissed, like in a dream
“But I thought, what would be sweet?”
- But time, being go
- We have given us measures of happiness!
- Thank you, you said!
- Left without paying the rest?

**********************

11. - Do you remember the sea, waves, beach?
- When with you, without stopping!
- We lived faithfully, what now?
- And what now, they don’t shout bitterly!

**********************

12.-Once was still small
- When else, I lived hope
- But flew by, those days
- not coming, as before
- Yes, I believed then - in a dream
- That I will be on the planet
- Well, what now, I will not find
- What now, it remains to believe?
- Yes bro? A friend told me!
- For that, I love you!

**********************

13. - We are women - so we change in passion
- that we believe in our sincerity
- But then what, we tear off the suit
- Who played by whom, who is on the edge?
- Who has become and by whom, he will be further
- What did you look for and what did you find?
- Rather, you changed your fingers!
- What has gained his love!

**********************

14. Who decided to lose honor?
- He probably remembers, with difficulty!
- Who is so, who has been in flattery!
- Who is so, with great difficulty!
- But we only remember, then ourselves
- What I did not look, love of the word ...

**********************

15. - Where are those years when 12?
- Could men show!
- There was time, 15? What will the numbers tell you a year?
- But we have not become less now, rather less than then!
- Then we did not know women? And what they knew, nonsense!

Adult joke funny

Adult jokes are funny — Adult joke funny

Adult jokes cheerful:

The people live without joy,
There is a place for sadness.
In the village of our third year,
Some crop failures.

Among joyless paintings,
To general embarrassment.
A man for six yards alone,
That is; For the whole village.

Although I suffered binges
He turned lazily.
And he created joy to the body,
Almost not noticeable.

But still the same ladies' soul
The excesses are attracted
And we cherished the man,
For a bath intimacy.

He created comfort for us,
He was a female salvation.
And my turn was
To him on Sundays.

But the temptation brought
Golted "Baby wounds."
And turning it off,
For two pots of sour cream.

The gate has supported Dryn,
Not listening to reproaches.
And on "Central Avenue"
I went to the city on foot

About the city of women in the corners,
This is said.
As if in parks and gardens
Maniacs there are rummaged there.

Only the "mittens" is torn,
Get to the vile flattery.
Any hope, leave
You will lose ladies' honor.

And if there are no pleasures in the park,
Administration run.
In a men's strip club, it is a sin,
For blood pennies.

So far, I reached the city
I was tired of ugly.
But she went to the park without hesitation,
So that everything happens for free.

Then she wandered all day,
In parks and gardens.
Sat in impudently by need,
In the bushes here and there.

We are women of cunning of love
Created for years
But for all the "subtleties" are mine,
Maniacs did not peck.

That the booster wanders in vain
And twilight came.
In the morning I will go to catch others,
And these were dismantled.

Began to pester the passers -by
Where should I spend the night.
And all of me became amicably,
Send to the hotel.

Found it, the hotel: "Five stars"
There is an ottoman and a bed.
Convenience truth in the yard,
Yes, I don't get used to it.

Having opened a home knot,
I'm sitting chewing a cutlet.
Reading right on the table,
Lying newspaper:

Since there is no man's life
And something needs to be done.
Call the company: "Husband for an hour"
For the desired contract.

The master will come to you: will retire
He will beat, glue insole.
Stop, sing a song,
Having put you in bed.

The brand new cornice will advance,
Will charge the batteries.
The house will make a whim,
For mere pennies.

So this is where you are all
Dogs hid!
They went to the intimate business,
Insidious maniacs!

It turns out I trampled the steppe,
Fifteen kilometers.
To leave immodest,
Without looking for the moments.

And at this time my maniac,
With the other, the courage will find.
It will not work for you, such a passage,
It will not work with me.

Let me give the blood, I will give
I will pay for services.
Their intimate fantasia,
I will embody in reality.

Taking the phone from the bag,
From passion was stunned.
Very pleasant baritone
Asked: "What the hell?"

And I am silent like a fool,
Not knowing what to say.
“I have it ... to break down from below ...
And it’s better to tear off. "

He immediately got down to business,
Avoiding slippery topics.
“I take five hundred rubles per hour
And we hollow no problems. "

His words to my soul,
Throughout Marmalade.
Said: “I will be in an hour
And the defense, what is needed. "

In the mind instantly a list of
Native savings.
I will pull for two hours
Desired inlame.

Of course, I feel sorry for the money
But I will stand the problem.
Taking a kettle, she began to enter,
On the body of hygiene.

The maniac appeared in an hour
Intelligence the situation.
Dragging the unit with him,
Like a cunning trick.

To add to the relationship,
Eroticism nuance.
He stands right at the door
Demanded an advance.

Then noticeably more,
He became so impudent.
"Show what to fuck,"
Assertively said.

Well, finally came the moment
Which I was waiting.
The hem lifted it higher
And the place showed.

But to my surprise,
He did not succumb to passion.
A bit backwarded back:
"I'm not this part."

“You, the same bastard came here,
Has mocking the woman?
Drive back five hundred rubles
And we will part! "

Let me in the village for the third year,
I live without a crop.
But who is who and what's what, what,
Go think.

I have for men
The eye has long been outlined.
And I feel, I have a maniac money,
He will not give it in life.

You will work out an advance
Do not hesitate here.
He looked at the floor
And muttered: "Undress."

The night in a violent proximity passed,
What is very useful
By the morning the budget was drunk all
And even got into a loan.

In the morning, I say a maniac:
“You are idle man.
So there is nothing to lose
Come with me.

You want to receive income,
Without jumping in the morning?
Our servants' village,
They will give a natural product.

Luchok, potatoes, garlic,
Everything is honest without deception.
And if you will not shook
Then fat and sour cream.

To the same air, moonshine,
The whole business is safe. "
The maniac the back of the head scratched
And he says: "I agree"

They got up from the bed,
Washed out of the watering can
They went to the village together,
In the Maniakovo "penny"

Maniac, instantly with our man,
The roles were distributed.
Ours, the vonutical background creates,
Playing harmonies.

Only the accordion will blow down,
Bending "Krakowyak"
Here a woman was a step for the garden,
And there is already a maniac.

Our village has grown up
Up to eight yards.
Healthy and satisfied everyone
Do not doctors.

We live without knowing sadness,
To envy all Europe.
And I'm in the village at my place
I lead a sex shop.

Adult joke

Adult jokes are cool:

In a break for lunch
Grandfather ran into the pharmacy.
“An old woman sent you to you
She needs drops for her ear. ”

They began to remember with my grandfather
How to call it a disease,
To pick up drops
It is necessary to know the diagnosis.

And the pharmacist says:
"Here is most likely otitis media"
“Yes,” the grandfather was delighted
"I heard about this secret"

Drops were given to grandfather
The check was repelled, calculated,
But, but the grandfather does not leave
The pharmacy is quietly wandering.

Ah, then put on glasses
Apparently I looked after something
He came up and said:
"It hurts in my side"

And the cashier was already suffocating
“You liked the pharmacist
Really she is again
Remember all sores? "

And how I got to the point here,
It was only the beginning
Everything will have to be remembered
To lag behind grandfather.

Her grandfather said in response:
“When I walked and I knew myself
And then I completely forgot
I recalled that there was strength

Only everything is so far to no avail
I saw on the shelf last time
Just where, again the question
The sclerosis was insolent.

I visited the doctor
But I lost the recipe
And I know my medicine
I always swallow it

Who would show the box
I would recognize him myself

Tell me ” - asks grandfather
"Lunch will end soon"

The pharmacious was called again
And they told her about side
And she says
"Maybe he has colitis"

Asks grandfather to give an answer
Does the toilet often go to the toilet
Grandfather was embarrassed, but said
That he visited all night.

And one more question:
"Maybe you have diarrhea?"
“Not diarrhea or colitis.
It doesn't hurt me there "

And the name sounds
So it looks like otitis media "
“Once it looks like otitis
This is definitely prostatitis "

And the diagnosis sounded
And our grandfather shone
“I remembered, he remembered this,
And the medicine is prostamol "

And the pharmacist laughed,
It's good that I guessed.
She began to ask grandfather
Come to them with a recipe.

Grandfather, of course, promised
But when I walked home,
Just went out in the cold
Sclerosis overtook his sclerosis again.

This attack is now in fashion
You think you remember
I just want to say
But there are no words, well, where to get them?

And sclerosis everything flourishes
Youth and that happens
What needs to be forgotten
So in all he is sprouted
This forced sclerosis.

Adult jokes for holidays

Adult jokes for the holidays:

Hello, liver. How are you?
Why are you so sad?
Or was it not tasty to you?
Or champagne is not nice?
What increased?
You don't want anything!?
Here is kefirchik, dear,
You accept as a news from paradise!
Rest and do not be sad!
The main one is behind! ..
Soon-scorch will come to us
The holiday is new!

********************

He has a mind and cool character!
I have stockings, a lace bra!
He is ready to take a chance, and in the look power!
I have a breast! That's it, I won!

********************

Minus 40 - bend!
We are in Siberia - this is life!
Minus 30 - warmed up,
The soul and body sings again!
Minus 20 - here is a life
Again in Siberia, a merry!

********************

Any lady should know:
In the forest, over the abyss, in rye,
You can't withstand -
Lie down and antipers!

********************

Try to understand the woman
That husband is so that "white and fluffy."
And how to warm up on the chest,
So on the "wide ... muscular"!

********************

Well, thank God, they took off! ..
They finished the devil Olivier ...
Saluts were launched at midnight ...
Still to remember ... with whom and where ...

********************

Husband came home in the morning.
The wife laughs with might and main:
- My superman, my defender,
Doesn't he want a brine?
You, dear, are quite ready
Sorry, Spielberg does not take off ...
No one else on top of his pants
He does not put on panties.

********************

Love better than lush ladies:
They are always kinder to you.
Skinny - evil all in a row,
And because they want to eat!

********************

Leaving primitive manners,
Appreciate your wife, live with her do not rot.
Spit that I did not stroke the shirts ...
It is more important that it strokes you!

********************

All mothers live so boring -
They wash, iron, cook.
And they are not called for Christmas trees,
Gifts are not given to them.
When I grow big,
I will be a mother too.
But only mom is idle,
And not a husband, a lady.
I will buy a new coat
To the color of the punts hat.
And never and for nothing
I do not marry dad ...

********************

There is a folk sign,
And she will not let you down:
Who will meet the end of the world -
So it will spend it!

********************

Herring under a fur coat, Olivier.
A bottle of vodka. Even two!
There is champagne, tequila.
There is beer - well, how without beer?
There is a strongest moonshine
There is a “Napoleon” brandy ...
It will be worthy of a year!
What are you crying, my liver? ..

********************

Why do we need New Year?
To fill the stomach, so as Olivier
Thumping twenty times a day
Give unnecessary garbage.
And receive garbage in response.
Great holiday, no doubt!

********************

How many positive emotions!
How great it is to live in this world!
When you successfully succeed
All problems at once ... Put!

********************