Why do we feel shame? What is the difference between shame and guilt? A constant feeling of shame: how to get rid of?

Do you know a sense of shame? Would you like to get rid of him forever? Read the tips in the article.

Content

Shame - this word alone makes us wake up in us with these strange unpleasant sensations. They grow inside us like a thickening pair over a boiling teapot. It becomes vaguely hot, there is a need to hide, hide, run away so that only it disappears. Sometimes this strong feeling first drives us somewhere, and then makes us abruptly stop and want to clench into a ball.

Read on our website an article about how to react to rudeness and rudeness correctly. From this information you will find out if there is immunity from rudeness and how to stop the inappropriate behavior of people.

Those tormented by unpleasant memories, we are trying to overcome this feeling, but it seems impossible. Many, for example, scroll in their heads phrases that were once said. Why does a person have a feeling of shame? How is it dangerous? How to get rid of? Look for answers to these questions in this article.

Where is the feeling of shame born?

Some people, not without pain, recall their defeat in some stupid game, someone is horrified by photographs that were taken at a corporate party, and the rest torment themselves for their awkwardness or incontinence. And many ask the question, and where, in fact, does this feeling come from? Why do we give so much meaning things that, it seems, are generally not too significant? Where is the feeling of shame born?

Of course, all this is born in ourselves. Right in the depths of our complexes, next to uncertainty and underestimated self -esteem. Remember how you reason when you feel shame:

“It was necessary to frozen this”, “And why am I so clumsy?”, “This awkward silence arose because of me,” “I looked terrible! What a pity that I did not have enough money for a new suit! " - Familiar, right?

Shame makes us focus on ourselves, begin to talk about our own actions, and condemn ourselves. We do all this because of uncertainty in our own strength. Most often, we think that they are not worthy of communication with some people who have a higher status in society, thereby forcing us to rethink us every phrase said to them. It happens, of course, that we really find ourselves in awkward and even stupid situations, negatively differ from society, cause someone laughter. This gives a huge blow to our self -esteem, forcing us to get confused about our own “I”, to think about our shortcomings, thereby aggravating our own emotional state.

Why do we feel shame?

Conscience plays an important role. For someone, this inner feeling is more aggravated, for someone less. She is already starting to “bite” for a small lie, and someone only after the realization of the really serious consequences of her act. The level of “guardianship” of conscience depends on education and on the conditions in which our childhood passed. It is clear that those who were often repeated that he was a bad boy (girl), because he didn’t eat porridge, he didn’t remove the toys, he got a three, broke something, then these people will work literally for everything, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere And constantly. At the same time, a feeling of shame, guilt will automatically work.

Why is a sense of shame dangerous?

Shame has a destructive effect on a person. This feeling makes us think about our shortcomings, failures, call yourself a liar and a hypocrite, a loser. The worst thing is that later we can really believe that we are just that. Next, there is a feeling of despair, which leads to the pool of endless depression. This is dangerous to shame. It is worth understanding:

Feeling guilt is a great weapon in the hands of lovers to manipulate people.
Our parents were engaged in this when they explain to their children what is good and what is bad and how they are dissatisfied with the fact that their child did not finish the soup and did not make lessons in time.
Most often, people who are easily amenable to a feeling of shame and, who is born from it, do not live their lives.
With their actions, they unconsciously improve the living conditions of other people who use this.

It seems to us that guilt needs to somehow atone in order to get rid of an annoying feeling, although in fact we ourselves came up with it.

What is the difference between shame and guilt?

Feeling guilt and shame have fundamental differences. The person feels guilty as a result of the implementation of the act that has made a negative impact on a different person. These are the questions of guilt:

What could I do so? I failed my best friend.
What kind of person am I? People were injured because of me.
I am to blame for you. How can I make amends?
Can you forgive me for these actions?

At the same time, a person experiences anger at himself, sometimes out of hatred. Feeling guilt seems to eat from the inside. The best way to get rid of unpleasant sensations is to go to an open dialogue with a person who suffered as a result of actions, ask for forgiveness and find out how to correct the current situation.

Important: If there is no opportunity in real life, you can resort to correspondence, phone calls, etc. As a rule, after a conversation with a “victim”, a guilty becomes easier.

As for shame, it does not always have an influence on others. It can be a person’s personal fears caused not only by immoral behavior, but also with complexes, self -doubt:

I have excess weight. I will never appear on the beach again.
I love to sing, but I do it much worse than my neighbor. Therefore, even at the birthday of a loved one, I will not do this in the family circle.
What if I condemn people for a particular act?
What have I done? I would like to fail through the earth.
I really like this girl, but she is beautiful, and I am "for an amateur." Do not even try to get closer to her. All the same, she will refuse me.

As you can see, a sense of shame often depends not only on a person committed by a person, but also on self -esteem. The person is afraid that they will see her imperfect, not corresponding to someone else's ideas. It seems to her that she will remain incomprehensible or ridiculed. In fact, this is a fear of performing any actions because of internal moral attitudes or various kinds of phobias.

If shame is not related to immoral acts, you should rethink your attitude towards yourself and get rid of fears that interfere with living. Every person has dissatisfaction with himself - however, this is not a reason to isolate from people, but motivation to improve.

A sense of shame for another person: why is this happening, how to get rid of?

"Why did he do, but is it ashamed to me?" -It is this question that some personalities ask themselves when one of their surroundings acted unacceptably or was very disgraced. In fact, a sense of shame for another person goes from childhood. Why is this happening?

Often, children hear the phrase from parents: "Do not disgrace me", “A behave good so that I do not blush for you”, “You have to get“ excellent ”on the exam, otherwise you will shame your last name” etc. Moreover:

The child himself may not feel shame.
However, dad and mom will repeat that they are ashamed of his behavior.
Subsequently, children grow up, they themselves become parents. And they behave with the children in the same way.
In addition, a sense of shame arises due to reprehensible actions of not only offspring, but also friends, acquaintances, colleagues, relatives.
A sense of shame in this case raises a question to itself: “What will people say?”, “How will society perceive the actions of this person? If it condemns him, then condemn me too. And they will think that I am the same? ".

In other words, in adulthood, a person cannot move away from the “moral landmark” given by his parents. For a person who is in society, it is very important to act “correctly” from the point of view of this very society.

It is enough to consider a typical situation:

On the street in unconsciousness, a drunk is lying.
His colleague, relative, colleague or neighbor passes by.
A completely normal way out of the situation will not leave a person in this state, but approach him, try to raise it to his feet and take him home.
At a minimum, you can call his family and notify them, where and in what condition their loved one is, ask to come to the appointed place. At least a banal to inform you of a drunk if he needs help.

However, even if the “assistant” begins to raise drunk from the ground, he will still feel shame. The reason is that dozens of eyes can look at this pair if they are at a bus stop. In most cases, the “assistant” will be afraid that he will also be considered an alcoholic, and some of the passers-by will shorten: “Here, why get drunk like that? Now they can’t get to the house. Would be ashamed. " Although, in theory, there is nothing to be afraid of the “assistant” himself - after all, he simply provides support to a person.

The second example is one of your friends about a birthday party. You intend to go alone or with your soulmate. But suddenly there is a friend who also wants to make you a company. You, as a kind person, agree. However, in the midst of the celebration, this random "fellow traveler" overdo it with cocktails, and begins to spoil the party. He fights, rowlars, picked up to the girls, curses with everyone. Naturally, even if it is possible to pacify or take it out, you will experience a feeling of shame for him before the birthday and other guests. After all, it was you who brought him, and, therefore, should be “in the answer” for him.

But is it possible to get rid of a sense of shame for another person?

This feeling appears because the personality, seeing the reprehensible actions of another person, begins to subconsciously associate him with himself.
He asks himself a question: “What if I did that?”, “I would have been in his place, I would have failed with shame.” These parallels should be avoided.
Yes, it’s a shame when a friend, a relative, a familiar, neighbor, etc. shakes himself. But still - this is not you, but another person. Personally, you did nothing wrong.

Negative emotions should be released, convincing that a person can not always prevent the shame of another personality. Accordingly, the top of the immoral act must experience shame.

How to get rid of guilt: Tips

Take yourself as you are. Banality, right? But this is the truth. How to get rid of guilt?

People have an innate ability to strive for perfection.
This is such a staircase by which a person to go for a long time, tiring, exhausting, and therefore difficult.
When he sees that someone has reached a higher level than he, he immediately begins to seem that communication with this person needs to be earned.

In this case, each awkwardness and the wrong word forces us to take this step back to one step. Take and love yourself with your disadvantages and advantages. Here are some more tips:

Be confident in yourself:

Complexes give rise to uncertainty, which makes you ask myself all the time: “Did I do it right? What will they think of me? ”
Then there is a whole huge mental monologue, which you make yourself fall below than it really is.
Additionally, you are shame for the fact that in your opinion, someone could not like something. Stupid, don't it seem?

Understand yourself:

No, “do not rummage”, namely, figure it out.
Put your own emotions on the shelves.
Determine why you are shameful for this act? Will this feeling really help you?
Be sure to remember an unpleasant situation before going to bed, or it’s better to just stop paying attention to it and forget.

Learn to laugh at yourself:

Yes, it happens that a person falls into an awkward situation, and everyone around begins to laugh at him.
Unpleasant, I want to fall underground. But maybe just laugh at himself with everyone?
Surely you would have done this if you were not a culprit, but the viewer of this epic picture. In addition, this will help to defuse the situation.

Perceive everything adequately. The hero will be the one who gets out of the situation proudly, and will not be closed in his own bubble of shame, lowering his head every time someone nearby remembers the recent situation.

How to get rid of a sense of shame: tips

No matter how terrible a shameful act would not seem, it is very harmful to constantly be in a state of shame. The mistakes of the past prevent a person from relaxing, letting go of the situation and continue to live a full life. How to deal with a feeling of shame? How to get rid of him? Here are some tips:

Admit and forgive yourself:

To begin with, you should admit to yourself that a sense of shame is still present.
Next, you need to understand that a feeling of shame is a thing understandable, but useless. She does not make a person more perfect.
It is much better to extract experience from your mistakes, not repeat them anymore, and not rebuke yourself forever.
It is also important to remind yourself that all people periodically fall into awkward situations, disgrace.

Refixing behavior:

Quite often, people become the object of ridicule, as they behave incorrectly.
It is important to understand what needs to be done in order to no longer find yourself in such situations.
Suppose a person goes to visit, but knows very well that he does not know how to control himself during the holiday, it is better not to drink alcohol at all, or to limit himself to a glass of champagne.
If a person is a speaker, but understands that his knowledge in this area leaves much to be desired, you need to learn how to smooth the situation with phrases. We can say: “Colleagues, I thought about this issue, but I will voice my opinion later”, “I should still reflect on this question,” etc. At least it will sound better than the banal "I do not know how to answer your question."

Understand that shame is not forever:

No matter how strong the shame is, it will still be forgotten.
Each of the eyewitnesses of embarrassment has his own concerns and things, he will not remember for 20 years how someone stumbled and fell on the street, or how someone in elementary school received a deuce.
People simply don’t have time to scroll through the same memories in their heads for years.

Strangers are only strangers:

If an awkward situation occurred in front of strangers, it is worth realizing that passers -by are unlikely to constantly remember this case.
Indeed, for them you are also a passerby that they saw for the first and last time.

Apologies are important:

If you offend someone, you should not pass by him the next day.
You need to apologize, even if he does not need it.
If the personality makes contact, it is important to make it clear that these were unintentional actions, that you did not want everything to turn out that way.
However, a person should believe that these are not empty excuses, that you really regret what happened.

Responsibility is better to take on:

Often a person is shameful from his own indecision.
Suppose there is a girl who is sympathetic to two young people. She does not find the strength of the spirit to choose one, does not want to offend anyone.
Sooner or later, the guys find out that both were “not the only” in her life.
The situation is quite awkward. But, if the girl initially took responsibility and still chose one guy, trouble and embarrassment would not have happened.
There is another option - to take responsibility for the choice at least when the deception was revealed for both.

Need to talk:

Often a person will disgrace, because he does not know what to do.
In some cases, it is better to overcome fear and share your plans with a loved one.
This will protect from embarrassment. Suppose: “I told my older sister that I would like to go to the talent contest with my dance. But she replied that, most likely, early. After all, I have been doing only six months, and there will be guys who have a dance experience for more than 10 years. It’s better to work out to subsequently show the best results. ”

Conversations are also useful for an already disgraced person. The native soul will help to survive what happened and raise the level of mental comfort.

A constant feeling of shame: how to get rid of?

If a temporary feeling of shame is a normal phenomenon, then constant - already pathology. In this case, the matter is not at all in a shameful act, but in self -doubt. Therefore, you need to work on yourself and increase self -esteem. Where to start? How to get rid of?

Shame is an occasion to work on yourself:

Taking this feeling constantly, the personality, as a rule, knows what exactly she does not like in herself.
To get rid of the cargo, this must be fixed. Suppose a person seems to be an uninteresting interlocutor - you should expand the horizons, learn to talk with people, develop individual charisma.
If a person does not suit something in his appearance, it is never too late to go in for sports, eliminate the shortcomings of the figure.
The main thing is to realize that constantly rebuild yourself, hiding from others is not a way out.

Acceptance of yourself as you are:

You can fix far from all the flaws. That is why it is important to understand that there are no ideal people in the world.
The disadvantages have even Hollywood stars. Without a doubt, trying to become better.
But one should not reach fanaticism in this, torturing yourself.
In the end, around you are the same people, with their virtues and flaws.

A person cannot consist only of minuses:

People who experience a sense of constant shame focus only on their imperfections, but forget about dignity.
Suppose a person who ruled the hundred meters most slowly can write excellent poems or make successes in science.
That is why, reproaching yourself for another shame, you should think: “Perhaps it was simply not your area?”
Personality is rarely a genius in everything that is taken for. One activity can be shiny, the other is somewhat worse, and the third one cannot be successful at all. But this does not mean that a person is bad or wrong.

What is the difference between a conscience and shame: in your own words

In order for a person to become ashamed, he always needs an “observer” who will notice his act and criticize. There is shame on the disapproval of society. What is the difference between the conscience and shame? Here's the answer in your own words:

Conscience is the internal quality of a person. In this case, he reproaches himself for something unacceptable.
A person does not need any “eyewitnesses” to experience internal awkwardness.
After all, remorse arises due to the presence of moral principles and norms in a person, which he, for some reason, violates.
It turns out that shame is a collective phenomenon, and conscience is individual.

Remember: Shame is the main advisory headquarters of your complexes. The more you listen to him, the faster the feeling absorbs you, closing in the bubble of your own uncertainty.

Fight with this, you are stronger than that. Get rid of such thoughts that like worms eat your sanity. Good luck!