How to help the child survive the divorce of parents: how children perceive the divorce, mistakes of parents, relations with the ex -spouse and relations with the stepfather. What to say and how to survive this event to a child: Simple tips

Divorce: How to help the child survive this difficult period. Find out in the article.

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Divorce through the eyes of children

Divorce - stress not only for adults. First of all, children suffer. At whatever age the child is, the parting of mom and dad is painful and unpleasant for him. Even if there were quarrels, silent alienation, tense relations between the spouses for a long time, the child will still experience a divorce, like a personal tragedy.

Important: children of different ages perceive the divorce of parents in a certain way. In any case, the child will experience negative emotions. These are experiences, resentment, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness.

The task of parents in this case is to think first of all about children. But, as a rule, most often the child becomes a victim of divorce. Parents can not only sink to sort things out in front of the child, but also get him into their problems. For example, you can hear the following phrases: “The same as your father ...”, “All in the mother ...”, etc.

Such behavior of parents can affect the psyche and life of the child.

How children of different ages experience divorce:

From birth to 1.5 years. The child is not yet aware of what is happening. But he feels the tension of his parents. Kids I can respond to the family in response. They can be capricious more than usual, cry for a long time, sleep a little, eat badly. The child’s mood can be bad. This child’s behavior is able to even more nervous parents.
From 1.5 to 3 years old. A child at this age is very difficult to perceive the divorce of parents. Logical arguments do not yet understand, perceives everything through the prism of emotions. And since parents are the most important people for him, divorce is perceived like a catastrophe, the collapse of the whole world. Often children can consider themselves guilty of what happened. They think that they behaved poorly, were not good enough, and because of this, their parents divorced. In connection with the events in the family, children may have rollbacks in development back. For example, a child may stop going to the pot, start talking poorly, can show apathy, be sluggish, taciturn, or vice versa too active.
3 to 6 years old. The child is experiencing emotionally, can take on the load of what happened. And for a small person, this load is very heavy. The kid at this age may want to reconcile his parents. Unconsciously, the child connects somatic diseases. Often, against the background of this event, children get sick, and parents again begin to take care of them together, together, as before. A preschooler against the backdrop of strong experiences may have insomnia, anxious sleep, nightmares, fear of closed rooms, fear of loneliness and strangers. The situation is heating up that many parents at this stage of their life cannot devote too much time to the child, so he can be alone with his experiences.
6 to 12 years old, teenagers. Adolescence is very complicated for such an event as divorce. The child understands everything in an adult way, but loves the same parents. He may be afraid that he will never see his mother again, if he remains to live with dad. The child begins to divide parents into “good” and “bad”. The anger of the child can be expressed in poor behavior, poorness at school, rudeness in communication, alienation from relatives. A child can do everything in between parents, trying to attract attention and make parents think only about him.

Parental errors during divorce

Important: If the parents decided on such a responsible and serious step as a divorce, they must do everything for the child’s inner peace and balance. First of all, both people need to avoid typical mistakes.

Many, unfortunately, make these mistakes.

Talk badly about mom/dad. It is easier for children to survive a divorce if the parents in their perception are both good. The child loves the same parents, he perceives bad words to one of them as a personal insult. If you constantly say that mom or dad are so-and-so, then the child can begin to consider himself also bad.
Take off resentment, anger, experiences on a child. It is clear that you are scared and insulting because of what happened. Much in life will have to be changed, plus it is difficult to morally. But do not take offense on the child. Enough to say that it’s hard for you. Do not show your child your fear of the future. Children are afraid of everything unknown. If you feel confident, the child will be much calmer.
Make a child choose one of the parents. This is stupid, since the child loves both. This was already said in the first paragraph. Do not “tear” the child into pieces and pull to your side. This is unfair to a small person.
Deceive. Any lie in relation to the child is a deliberately failed step. The child feels that he is deceived. Some mothers to the question where dad prefer to lie to the child. For them, this is easier than telling the truth and for a long time to explain the reasons for the incident to the child. Many people come up with that dad left on a business trip, flew into space or went to sea for a long time. True, sooner or later it will open, and this will be another blow to the psyche of the child. It is better to talk frankly than to dismiss a child’s questions.
Interfere with the meetings of the child with dad/mother. The desire to annoy the former spouse can be very great, and the child can become a bargaining coin in this game. It is important to remember that the participation of the father/mother in the life of the child should not disappear after the divorce. Meetings for the child are very important.
Live for the sake of a child. Spouses who are on the threshold of a divorce at the end sometimes decide to save a marriage for the sake of the child. Yes, a child can experience a divorce. However, much worse life in a family where parents hate each other. The child will always consider himself guilty that the life of parents is destroyed. Will feel like the culprit of what happened. Life in a family with incorrect values \u200b\u200bcan cause a child in the future will hardly build his happy family life.
Demand from the child love for stepfather/stepmother. If one of the former spouses arranges his personal life again, he may begin to demand from the child love for a new “relative”. This also includes requests to be called stepfather dad. Do not force the child to do this, let him make his own choice. After all, the child already has a dad or mother, over time he may have a desire to call your chosen one or chosen one. But this should be his decision.

What to tell the child about divorce?

Do not hide from the child the fact that you decided to divorce. If the child is at the age when you can talk about what happened to him, do not delay. But do everything as possible so that the conversation goes smoothly.

Many advise you to choose the right time to talk. It is difficult to say what a right time it is. But it’s easy to say what time is inappropriate. Before going to the child to school, kindergarten, before going to a friend or grandmother, before bedtime, before going to work. If you communicate the news and leave, part, the child will feel lonely.
It is advisable to report the news together with the ex -spouse. Psychologists believe that this allows you to maintain the same trust in mom and dad. A similar approach will allow the child to listen to two sides instead of one.
Do not find out the relationship between yourself. It is important to find out all the relationship among themselves before talking with the child. So that in the process of message the child does not begin to accuse a friend of insults again, make claims.
Do not go into details. You should not begin to coordinate the details of the divorce, discuss financial issues with the child. This can confuse and upset the child.
Convince the child that he is not to blame. In a conversation, it is important to emphasize that the decision made is the relationship of adults. That the child is absolutely not to blame for the divorce, that mom and dad love him equally strongly, and this will not affect love for him.
Speak in simple phrases. Do not dramatize the situation too much. It is enough to say to the child simply that dad or mom will now live elsewhere. That parents made such a decision for the sake of calm and happiness of the whole family. Say that the child will live now in his old house, so can come to a new one. This event will not affect the attitude and communication of the child with parents.

Important: a child, of course, can ask a lot of questions. And you need to answer them. But your answers should not knock out the soil from under the feet of the child. On the contrary, your answers must reassure him and allow him to feel confidence.

How to talk with a child about a divorce?

How to answer children's questions about divorce:

"Why?". This question will have to be heard anyway. Do not tell the child that you no longer love each other. Otherwise, the child might think that at one point you can also stop loving him. Instead, say that we cannot rejoice together anymore, we often quarrel and sad, so we better live separately.
"I miss dad/mom!". Mutual missing is quite normal. When the child comes home to one of the parents, he begins to miss another. This is fine. Talk to the child, hug him, offer to talk on the phone with the parent. No need to be offended by the child due to the fact that he misses one of his parents.
"When will dad come back?" The child is not always able to understand what happened. Therefore, he will think that everything will change, dad will return. Tell the child that dad will not return, because you decided to live separately. But he (child) can always go to visit him.

The child will ask questions about how the event will affect his life. For example, “Where will I sleep?”, “Will I go to the kindergarten?”, “Where will the dog go, cat?” For you, these questions are clear, but for a child - no. After all, the situation for him is completely new, unusual, of course, the child is worried about how his further life will turn out. Try to patiently and clearly answer your child to his questions.

Video: How to tell the child about divorce?

How to help survive a divorce for a baby, a preschooler, a schoolboy, a teenager?

Important: often, not only spouses, but also many relatives are drawn into the war after a divorce. All family members need to create a calm atmosphere for the child and stop making children victims of divorce.

How to help children of different ages when divorced:

For kids, the usual environment and communication with loved ones are important. The very first thing to take care of is a clear familiar mode. Divorce should not affect the child’s visit to the kindergarten, developing circles, on the rest mode and wakefulness. For the sake of the child, parents should maintain friendly relations and sometimes meet all together, arrange collective games, campaigns in the park. Do not interfere with the child’s communication with the parent on Skype or by phone.
Children from 3 to 6 years are most vulnerable during the divorce of parents. This age category needs increased attention. The mode is important and the usual environment - a fairy tale for the night, a daytime walk, hikes on weekends to the game room. Try to do what happened before. If it is not possible to devote as much time as before, attract grandfathers to the process of grandparents, put the child’s communication with peers, friends. He must be distracted from his sad thoughts and have fun more, conducting an interesting leisure. It is important that both parents pay the same attention to their child. It is necessary to draw up a meeting schedule and follow it. A child at this age needs to know that he will again see dad or mom. At this age, the child can already perceive literature on divorce, it is worth reading special books himself and introduce the child to them.
For schoolchildren and adolescents, trusting relationships with parents are very important. It is possible to survive the divorce of the least painfully through frequent trusting conversations. It is important to arrange a child to yourself, to ensure that he can tell you about his fears and experiences. In response, you must reassure him, make it feeling support and love. Explain the situation to the child so that he does not invent excess himself. Both parents should spend their free time with children efficiently and interesting. The meeting schedule is still necessary. It is easier for children to accept life when they know what and when to expect.

If parents do not want to harm their child, they should conduct conversations with grandparents. Often they in a fit of resentment can affect children, try to set them against one of their parents. It is necessary to explain to its adult parents that the decision is common, and it should bring good to everyone. Although this is possible only in those families who approached the divorce consciously, amicably. Often they are divorced with quarrels, insults, unwillingness to build bridges after.

How to help your child survive a divorce?

How to help a child with a divorce of parents: Simple tips

Below are tips and rules that can help you and the child at any age:

Protect The ears and eyes of the child from your feeling to divorce. This is an adult business. Do not discuss with friends, relatives, how hard it is for you, which husband is a scoundrel and all that kind. If you want to speak out on this topic, do it without the presence of a child. Which, as a rule, is silent during such conversations, but hears everything and shakes everything on a mustache.
Fill out the child's leisure. This does not mean that you need to start pampering it with new expensive toys and purchases. So you can bring the child to the point that he will begin to use the situation. You just need to try to spend your free time with a child, play, walk, talk.
Do not interfere with communication with friends. Active life can benefit the child. He also needs to share his experiences with someone, forget about the stressful situation, raise his self-esteem. In this case, you need to keep your hand on the pulse and make sure that the child does not get into a bad company.
Do not say that dad left you. Even if this is the case, you are gnawed by resentment, do not tell your child badly about dad. This can hurt the child. With age, the children themselves will understand and make the right conclusions.
Do not manipulate your child. Do not threaten to deprive him of his dad if he is guilty or behave incorrectly. Thus, you set the behavior model. In the future, you yourself will encounter blackmail. Only an adult child will manipulate you.
If the baby is silent, does not ask any questions and it seems to you that he is experiencing a divorce well, it may not be at all. Silent children are often forced to worry alone, it is worth starting the conversation themselves.
Treat with patience To whims, possible anger, not very good behavior of the child. If necessary, for a long and patiently explain to him that he is still loved by both parents.
Read the literature on the topic of divorce. Thanks to her, you can choose the right words and understand how best to explain to the child.

Important: when you see that the divorce has not affected, the child has changed a lot, you should seek help from a psychologist. The specialist will help to get the child out of this condition if you yourself are not coping. But, as a rule, if both parents are ready to keep the world after a divorce for the sake of children, everything should go smoothly.

Relations with his ex -husband after divorce

It often happens that the fathers do not pay alimony after the divorce or pay very small amounts. Of course, this approach is injured by the mother, because the child needs to buy so much and now everything falls on her shoulders.

Even if this happened, you should not get and devote to these topics of the child. Even if you really want to do it. The phrases “dad forgot about you”, “you don’t need dad”, the child is even more injured than the fact of a divorce.

Do not think that the child will always remain in ignorance and not understand the true essence of things. The child will grow up and understand who cared for him and raised. But at this stage, the baby is not to blame for the fact that dad turned out to be a dishonorable person.

Important: do not injure the child. Your goal now is to preserve the fragile psyche of the child.

It is much more difficult to establish relationships after a divorce from an ex -husband. If the father helps financially and the desire to participate in the life of the child is manifested, do not deprive the child of this communication. It is very important for a child when dad comes to him in the matinee, when he and dad together make something, play.

The role of the father in raising a child is great, a boy is or a girl. Therefore, try not to prevent the child’s communication with the dad, if he is not an addict, not an alcoholic, not an asocial personality. At the same time, do not enter into skirmishes with your ex -husband in the presence of a child.

Father communication with a child after a divorce

Can a stepfather replace his father's child?

The appearance of a new husband in a mother can wake up in a child the unrest that he experienced during a divorce.

Some mothers believe that the “new dad” will now replace the child’s child. In fact, this is a big mistake, it is unacceptable to confuse the personality of the father with paternal functions. A stepfather can take the functions of care, upbringing, but this does not mean that you need to stop meeting and communication with your dad.

It is impossible to demand from the child so that he calls his stepfather “dad”, so that he will fall in love with him immediately and unconditionally. The child may not accept your choice, he needs time. Just as the new chosen one won your heart, he must win the heart of the child. Unfortunately, many men are not ready to establish contact with a child from a previous marriage.

But if the stepfather treats the child well, has wisdom and patience, he will be able to position him to himself. His own father should also understand that in the life of his son or daughter, not a native person appeared, but very significant. At the same time, none of the native child should try to remove the past from the memory: their own father was and will always be necessary for the child.

Divorce is a difficult period for each family member. Try not to give the guilt to absorb yourself, along with this, do everything possible so that the child does not suffer. It is important that the child grew a happy and healthy person. Divorce often becomes a threshold on the way to good changes, never lose heart.