The mother -in -law hates the daughter -in -law: the basis of the conflict, the causes, mistakes of the daughter -in -law. How to establish relationships with her mother -in -law so that she ceases to hate the daughter -in -law?

The relationship between the daughter -in -law and mother -in -law cannot be called ideal. But what if the mother -in -law just hates the daughter -in -law?

Relations of the mother -in -law and daughter -in -law have long become the topic of jokes and comedies. However, there is nothing ridiculous to live in a state of eternal tension due to attacks from the mother of her husband.

The basis of the conflict, due to which the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law

This conflict is based on the personal desire of one of its participants, so that the other person corresponds to subjective ideas about a norm. In other words, the mother -in -law has an image of an ideal daughter -in -law. And that, in turn, also has an idea of \u200b\u200ban ideal mother -in -law. And the inconsistency of mutual expectations gives rise to dissatisfaction with each other and, as a result, a conflict situation.

Moreover, a man causing confrontation can react differently to quarrels between women:

• It is hard to suffer from the fact that the spouse does not find a common language with his mother. Because he loves both of them and does not want to be either a bad son or an indifferent spouse.
• Rejoice deep inside himself when his wife expresses his mother what he himself wanted to declare in childhood, but did not dare. There are frequent cases when a man feels even irritation while trying to establish family ties.

According to many psychologists, a man at a subconscious level chooses a woman who looks like his mother as a companion of life. And people similar, as a rule, are difficult to get along together.

If both women have friendly and soft, then they will easily find a common language among themselves. But if the ladies are distinguished by a powerful and despotic character, then they will reflect each other, defending their positions. And the man will be between two raging lights - mother and wife.

So, if you consider your mother -in -law selfish and conflict, look at yourself more critically: do you have similar features with it.

Entering any relationship, each person must understand that no one is obliged to match his invented ideal images. It is necessary to recognize the right of another individual to be himself. So it will be easier and calmer for everyone.

• The daughter -in -law with the mother -in -law is not at all necessary to love each other. It is important not to experience irritation and internal discontent.
• The critical attitude of the parents of the wife or husband, aimed at their spouses, is always present in the family, to a greater or lesser extent. This is a normal situation, due to the fact that parents tend to exaggerate the merits of their children and find excuses for their negative deeds.

However, in practice it happens that mother -in -law unable to come to terms with the choice of his son and literally he hates her daughter -in -law, starting to consciously or unconsciously undermine their relationship. This is expressed in constant remarks, reproaches and complaints to the son. At the same time, the woman does not even understand what destroys his family. As a rule, she is sincerely confident in which she does "how better."

To understand how to correct the negative situation, try to be objective:

• If your mother -in -law is conflict and inanimate not only in your opinion, but also in the opinion of other people, then the point is the features of its character. In this case, quarrels are inevitable, no matter how you treat her or her son. The only thing you can do is try not to provoke conflict situations.
• If others speak of mother -in -law as a cute woman, and her hostility is directed only in your direction, then it is extremely important to determine the reason for this attitude. Realizing why this is happening, it will be easier for you to decide what to do next.

Why does the mother -in -law hates the daughter -in -law?

Psychologists call several possible reasons for the hostility of the mother -in -law in relation to the daughter -in -law:

• Jealousy

The mother-in-law cannot accept the fact that her son has already grown, and he should get out of the mother’s wing. With the mind, the woman understands that the child cannot always live with her, but in his soul cannot come to terms with the loss.

Often the mother -in -law realizes that he treats his son’s wife too meticulously and strictly, but cannot cope with his emotions. Sometimes, due to internal experiences and irritation, a woman even begins to hurt.

• Age

The time when adult children create their families and leave the parental home, as a rule, coincides with the period of hormonal changes in the mother’s body - menopause. It has a significant impact on the emotional perception of a woman. The menopause is always associated with excessive irritability, temper, tearfulness and mood swings.

The situation in a woman can also be complicated by psychological depression due to thoughts about the impending old age. Eventually the mother -in -law hates her daughter -in -law, not realizing the true cause of their experiences.

• Features of character

The woman is powerful, with dictatorial inclinations, will always defend her leadership in the life of her own child. At the same time, joint or separate accommodation will not have absolutely any importance. She will always strive to establish her own rules in a new family and demand from all subordination.

• Excessive affection

Sometimes a woman whose son is the only child, she sees the meaning of her life only in him. She cannot realize and come to terms with the changes that have occurred in his life, continuing to play the usual role of the mother of the family. But when the mother -in -law works, she has many friends and a lot of hobbies, she is unlikely to have time to pester her daughter -in -law with her communication.

• Uncertainty in the son

Sometimes the reason for the fact that with the eyelids hates the daughter -in -law It is not jealousy, but fear for a son in which the parent does not see a mature man. According to the mother, without her control, they can do it poorly: humiliate, force him to work without rest, do not take care of his health and even sleep.

• Social inequality

If the daughter -in -law family occupies a different social situation, this can cause constant attacks on the girl from her husband’s mother. The mother -in -law will always assume that the wife of his son is not a couple at all, and he could find a woman "their circle."

• Disagreements in matters of education of grandchildren

Often, grandmothers love grandchildren more than their own children. And, as a rule, the mother -in -law seems to know better how to care for the baby: how to feed when to walk. It is worth recognizing that in these matters she is more experienced, and the daughter -in -law may be worth listening to her advice. However, parents should still make important decisions regarding their own children, and not grandparents.

Daughter-in-law mistakes, because of which the mother-in-law hates her

But only the mother -in -law is not always to blame for difficult relationships. The young woman who entered the family of her husband sometimes does not behave quite correctly, thereby provoking his mother’s discontent.

We list the most common mistakes that the daughter -in -law can make:

• Exiled expectations relative to the mother -in -law. The girl, getting married, is sure that her husband’s parents should accept and love her as a native. But this is a misconception. The less you expect from the mother -in -law, the less disappointed in the future.

• Ignoring the family of the spouse, especially his mother. A young girl can assume that her beloved man exists separately from her mother. Therefore, it is not at all necessary to maintain relations with her: to get acquainted before the wedding, congratulate on holidays, and accept it away. Such inattention on the part of the daughter -in -law offends the mother -in -law, and misunderstandings in relationships are inevitable.
• Excessive criticism of his spouse in the presence of his mother and a clear desire to change him. But the mother -in -law considers his son almost perfect, and she is sincerely outraged by the attempts of the daughter -in -law to re -educate him.
• Comparing the mother -in -law with her own mother. Obviously, in such a competition, the husband’s mother loses. However, everyone knows that for any person his parents are the best. Therefore, comparisons are inappropriate here.
• Public manifestations of tenderness for her husband in the presence of his mother. Thus, the daughter -in -law seems to declare her rights to a man, emphasizing that she is now the main woman in his life, this can cause mother -in -law's hatred.
• Denial of the authority of the mother -in -law. Young people tend to consider the views and beliefs of the older generation outdated. And the daughter -in -law may too categorically disagree with the opinion of the mother -in -law and sharply reject her advice. This makes a woman feel unnecessary, and therefore irritated.

Of course, a young family can live with his wife's parents. But psychologists are categorically against such a decision. The mother -in -law of life helps to belittle the status of a man in the eyes of relatives and friends. He will then try to increase his status by any means, which will surely lead to a tense relationship in the family.

How to establish relationships with her mother -in -law so that she ceases to hate the daughter -in -law?

Some girls believe that if the husband’s mother disliked them, it is useless to try to establish relationships. But this is an erroneous opinion. If you make certain efforts, then it is quite possible to establish comfortable relationships.

Do this for your husband and children who probably suffer from your quarrels with mother -in -law. In addition, think about the fact that you also have a mother, and perhaps she experiences conflicting feelings for your husband. After all, you would not want your spouse to treat her poorly or completely ignore.

In order to mother -in -law Stopped hate the daughter -in -law, psychologists advise the following:

• The most obvious advice is of course separate accommodation. If possible, do not live with your parents, despite the material bonuses that such a life can give. However, the decision to move to the mother needs to voice the decision precisely to her husband. Moreover, he must say about this tactfully and softly.
• Do not expel the mother -in -law From your life immediately after the wedding. Do not declare that you yourself will figure it out, and let it not intervene. It will be rude and ugly in relation to her. And the war between you is guaranteed. Emotionally separate from my husband’s mother gradually.
• If you live in the house of your wife’s parents, then come to terms with the fact that the mistress is a mother -in -law here. And she does not have to give this role at all. You will have to agree with the rules that have long been established here. Leave your attempts to impose new ones. However, you have every right to stop the mother -in -law attempts to invade your personal life. And try to benefit from your modest position: spend less time behind the stove, do not waste on repairs or new furniture.
• Do not compete with your mother -in -law For the main place in the life of her husband. This woman is his mother. There will always be a place for her in his heart. And it is right. So it should be for normal people. Do not prove that you are better and more important. You and the mother -in -law are at different levels, so you simply cannot replace each other. And for your man you are important both.

• It happens that the relationship between the mother -in -law with the daughter -in -law develops more confidently and warmer than with her native mother. But do not expect that she will love you as her own child. Do not forget that no matter how wonderful your husband’s mother belongs to you, the son will always be in the first place for her. Therefore, expressing dissatisfaction with the spouse, try not to injure maternal feelings. There should be a certain distance between you and the mother -in -law.
• Nowadays, grandparents help working parents in raising their children. They take their grandchildren from school, lead to mugs, control homework. Helping in this way, the mother -in -law often considers himself the right to tell his son with the daughter -in -law what and how to do. And so it is inconvenient to stop such behavior, because the grandmother really provides them with a great service. In this case, you need to either turn to the services of a nanny, or tactfully reward your mother -in -law for sitting with children (products, helping house, money, etc.).
• More often call the mother -in -law to visit. And invite her personally. If this is not done, she will still come, only without an invitation. And this, of course, will lead to mutual irritation and discontent. And so, it is not at all necessary that she will respect you with its presence, but it will be nice for her for sure. And the attitude towards you will be much more favorable if the mother -in -law hated a daughter -in -law previously.

• It is no secret that adult sons rarely call their mothers. No need to rejoice that the husband does not remember his mother. Remind him to call him. Better yet, type it yourself and tell us what the good happened in the life of her son. You can’t even imagine how much such calls will increase your status in the eyes of the mother -in -law and how she will be grateful to you.
• The adoption of important decisions in your family should not occur under pressure from parents. Do not give in to this issue from the very beginning. You can listen to the advice of the mother -in -law, but do the way you see fit. And to prevent possible disagreements, dedicate it less into your family’s personal affairs.
• Remember the main thing: no one owes you anything. The mother’s mother is not obliged to love you. She has someone to love. And for sure she has her own ideas about what woman should be next to her son. Do not blame her for this, but do not take caustic statements too close to your heart about this. In turn, you are also not obliged to treat her as your own mother.
• Do not let the spouse self -destroy in fundamental issues. During a serious dispute, ask his opinions and do not allow me to be silent. He is an adult who at one time took on certain obligations. Therefore, it should also take part in the definition of borders and rules.
• Ask for advice from your mother -in -law. Especially the recipes of her son's favorite dishes. This will extremely flatter her pride and will allow her to feel her significance, which will positively affect your attitude to you.
• Find the points of contact with the mother’s mother: reading books, passing dancing, watching movies, needlework. Share your achievements with each other, talk about new products. This will surely unite you, and you will become almost friends with your mother -in -law.
• More often thanking the husband’s mother for the help, even the most insignificant. You should say nothing good for you, but it will be happy.
• In cases where something in the behavior or words of mother-in-law is unacceptable for you, tell her about it at once. At the same time, do not snatch, but explain calmly what and why it does not suit you.
• Do not complain to your husband to his mother and do not make an intermediary in your relationship with her. Learn to solve conflicts yourself.
• Strive for independence from mother -in -law: in the material sphere, in the housing issue, in terms of help with children. Then it will be much easier for you to set the boundaries and prevent its interference with your family.

Work on any relationship is a complex process that requires certain efforts. There is no universal council what to do if the mother -in -law hates her daughter -in -law? Be patient and wise. If the mother -in -law will see that her son is happy in marriage, and your position will be respectful towards her, then over time she is guaranteed to treat you better.

Video: On the hatred of mother -in -law to the daughter -in -law from a psychologist