Family crises. 6 crises of family life. How to avoid quarrels? Help in conflict resolution

How to survive the crisis in the family? How to resolve the conflict without consequences? How to prevent the destruction of the family? Read the article.

A family crisis is what every married couple faces at least once in a lifetime. The family crisis must be experienced correctly so as not to destroy the relationship. And even when it seems to you that you can no longer be with a person, do not get excited. It is never too late to destroy relationships. And how to strengthen them - read below.

Causes of conflicts in the family

Family conflicts are an integral element of family life. Two people cannot live together and never conflict.

Important: but it is one thing when conflicts are quite rare and quickly resolved. But protracted or completely hidden conflicts is a serious and dangerous matter for the family.

If you are faced with conflicts with your husband/wife, then try to find reasons for their appearance:

• Unbearable to family life. It appears when the couple has come into marriage hastily or under the influence of circumstances (pregnancy is the most common unforeseen circumstance). The situation leads to the fact that people are simply not ready to put up with each other's shortcomings or are not at all ready to limit themselves to certain family responsibilities (more often occurs due to age, speaking in simple language “did not walk up”). If there is no strong love, then any little things in your partner and family life will annoy you. The result is a conflict
• The concept of family formed since childhood. If one of the spouses grew up in a family in which quarrels and conflicts were frequent, then the likelihood of the same problems in his family is great. From childhood, a certain model of behavior is laid for a person. Having created his family, he continues to act according to this model

• High/underestimated self -esteem one of the partners. An overestimated self -esteem does not allow one of the spouses to admit his guilt, leads to a constant accusation of a partner. And low self -esteem leads either to disrespect the partner to you (he begins to allow himself too much), or to constant attempts to assert himself
• The desire for power. When one of the partners tries to be at the head and manage all family issues. As a rule, the second of the spouses sooner or later gets tired of being a puppet and requires respect for his opinion. But often it is already too late, because the second half will have a persistent confidence in their supremacy
• Acceptance of guilt. As soon as you start talking in any situation "I am to blame", your partner will become boring. So, of course, you will avoid some conflicts, but you will introduce another conflict - the lack of interest and desire

• Lack of interest and desire. Sometimes this is a consequence of the previous cause. And sometimes it appears when one spouse wants something together, but the second is not. As a rule, the wife wants to walk together in the park every evening, and the husband wants to either sit at the TV, or go to friends
• Revenge. As soon as you begin to take revenge on your partner, you begin to destroy your peaceful life. Revenge will never solve the previous conflict, but will create a new
• I am always right/right. The spouse can take such a position, but it will end, rather, with resentment of the second half. There is no person in the world who is always right

• Those temper. In case of resentment, a woman or man can show anger and aggression. Do not allow this. If you want to shout your point of view, make the following. Within 30 seconds, the partner calmly and without humiliation speaks his point of view. At the same time, the one who listens should not interrupt and behave only openly and good -naturedly. The next 30 seconds, the listener retells the essence of the claim in the same calm tone. Then you change places. This exercise will allow you not to offend each other with angry words and listen to everyone's opinion
• Egoism. The egoism of one of the partners sooner or later leads to resentment from the second. Everyone wants him to be respected and appreciated. Living with a selfish is difficult. And the saddest thing is that re -educating an egoist is even more difficult
• Unwillingness to help housework. Many men can say that the economy is a female business. For the most part, yes, but, firstly, men also have their own responsibilities, and secondly, sometimes you can replace his wife in her household chores and give her a rest. Otherwise, instead of a passionate wife, you will meet a dull housewife at home

• Miscellaneous the concept of the responsibilities of her husband and wife. This issue should be discussed at the beginning of family life. To understand the thoughts of everyone on this issue, you can take a lot of time for which you will already have time to ruin your relationship
• Different temperament. The sanguine will now and then try to pull phlegmatic from a cozy home chair. Against the background of the resistance of desires, conflicts will arise
• Financial situation. If your financial situation is a long time below the one you would like. You will now and then look for the cause of material difficulties. And this will lead to the fact that someone will be to blame

• Sexual dissatisfaction. Men are easier to intimacy, and they have much less often problems with libido. So rare sex and causes conflicts. If the quality of sex does not suit one partner constantly, then the conflict will also be lifted sooner or later. In the best case, you will resort to measures to satisfy each other's needs. In the worst case, one of you will go to look for sexual pleasure on the side
• Bad habits. Smoking one of the partners will sooner or later provoke the second to the conflict. Love for alcohol outside of home holidays will also sooner or later become the cause of family troubles
• Children. Various views on raising a child or the unwillinging of a spouse to help with a little child to his wife - entails frequent and not resolved conflicts

6 crises of family life by year

In family life, you can distinguish crisis periods over the years. Each crisis is associated with certain circumstances.

Important: one of the reasons for each crisis is silence. Quiet resentment will never resolve conflict

Crisis of the 1st year of marriage.

Read more about the crisis below.

Crisis 3-5 years.

• For some pairs, this is one crisis, and some worry two at once: at 3 and 5 years old
• This crisis is associated with the birth of a child. You were able to overcome the first crisis, learned to live together, turn a blind eye to shortcomings
• The birth of a child again turns your life upside down. Everything that you are used to is changing. You have to re -build a familiar way of life. If you are used to rest every weekend with friends, then with the birth of a child you will have to be at home
• In addition to the lack of entertainment, you will not be able to get enough sleep, as before, or just behave carefree. Each of you has to limit your desires for the good of the child. You just need to come to terms with this

How survive:

• To survive this crisis, tell each other about your feelings. It is very important for men during this period to prevent the construction of a spression in the spouse. Let your wife sometimes take care
• And the wife, in turn, no matter how offended her, she should give her husband sometimes to meet friends
• Walk the three more
• If possible, ask your grandmother to replace you for a couple of hours. And go for a walk together yourself and talk as before

Important: you have a child. You are happy, albeit tired parents. It’s hard for both of you, so instead of mutual reproaches, support each other

Crisis 7 years.

• The main cause of the crisis is stability and routine
• You have already established your way
• The child goes to the garden or school
• You go to work
• Every day is the same as the previous
• There are no longer such feelings for each other
• A man often seeks emotions on the side

How survive:

• Stop sawing each other for every little thing (especially for women)
• A woman should take care of herself to return the highlight of her person
• Make changes to your routine schedule

Crisis 13-14 years old.

• Benchy child-the main stumbling block
• Different attitude to the child's attempt to be outside the house
• Different attitude to the fact that the child expresses his personal opinion
• The child does not always listen to you
• You do not feel such authorities as before

How survive:

• Since a woman frantically worries about her grown child, she will limit the child in walks
• A man will help in this matter
• More often men more easily tolerate this period and give the child more will
• You have lived with your spouse 14 years old - trust him
• Remember your behavior in childhood and stop sawing the child

Crisis 25 years old.

• Children grew up and left home to study or live with her husband/wife
• There was silence at home
• Spouses do not know where to go further: there is work, the children have grown up and they don’t need them like that, there is an apartment/house
• Klimax in a woman makes this marriage more difficult
• It is difficult for a man to be unclaimed
• As a result, a woman falls into depression, and a man, on the contrary, begins to take care of herself and communicate more and more with young women (as he tries to prove to himself that not everything is lost)

How survive:

• Your main goal is change. Moreover, the changes should be global
• Take yourself together: take care of a figure, ride bicycles, make new haircuts, change your wardrobe
• Change your leisure time: go more often to relax with friends at sea or mountains
• Start building a house if you do not have it yet. And if you already have a living area, but there is money, then expand. Extra meters will come in handy once to your children. And joint chores about the future of housing will unite you
• You must add to your life what will unite you (except for dinner at home and joint watching a movie by TV)

The first crisis of family life

• More often such a crisis comes to couples, which have not been found before the wedding, or a pair of up to 22 years, or marriage as necessary
• You do not know all each other's cockroaches yet
• At first you will compare your family life with the one in which you have grown
• And you will either agree to live like that, or not
• Often you will hear from each other phrases like "My parents did this"
• Meeting a person (walking together, having fun) and living together are different things
• You will face everyday habits of each other: unwillingness to wash the dishes behind you, unwillingness to help the household, unwillingness to observe cleanliness
• Plus, you will have to lead the general budget. And your opinions regarding costs may also diverge

How survive:

• Immediately establish orders
• Discuss how each of you sees a life together. Find a general solution. Decide whether you will turn into your parents' family
• Do not be silent if you don't like something. This does not mean that you should be drunk at a convenient occasion. You must in a calm tone explain the essence of the claim to your partner. Otherwise, after some time, when you get tired of enduring this, your partner will not understand your pickup. After all, before that it "suited" you
• Determine the place for parental advice

Conflicts in a young family

Conflicts in a young family arise for reasons that have already been stipulated above: in the first crisis of family life and a crisis of 3-5 years.

Additionally, you can only supplement:

• In a young family, the wife is full of ambitions. And sometimes the requests of the second half of changing habits or hobbies can affect your ego
• Of course, some changes should still come at the birth of a family. But do not let your partner completely redo you
• In young families, you can more often hear offensive words. All this is connected with the same ego affected and inexperience
• To avoid conflicts, follow the advice below

How to avoid quarrels and conflicts in the family?

Important: you will not be able to completely avoid quarrels and conflicts. However, you can reduce their number or make them productive.

• Communicate. Never be silent offended. This does not mean that you should now and then point to your partner to its shortcomings. If you feel a stretched relationship or a partner has a great offender, talk. But the conversations should be correct, according to three principles below
• No insults. Insults will never lead to conflict resolution. Even if you want to call your partner a bad word in connection with his poor act - say silence. Say “you acted very ugly,” but do not say “you are a goat, etc.”
• Listen to each other. Even if you consider yourself a victim, listen to the position of the opponent. It may well be that you have not noticed something in your behavior. Be sure to listen completely as a partner will explain his behavior. Finding the reason, you can eliminate it

• Compromise.Not going to a compromise, you risk not returning past happy times. Be prepared that when the partner is demanding, you can get a return requirement. Agree. This is the only way you will improve your relationship
• Personal space.You are people. You can get tired of workdays. You want to relax and relax. In the house, every spouse should take place of solitude. If you have a small child, then agree on the priority of solitude of each of you: today is a mother with a child, and dad sits for a favorite computer game; Tomorrow dad with a child, and mom calmly takes a bath and makes face masks. Without personal time and space, you will begin to run away from home in search of that very personal vacation
• Praise each other.Often the spouses come to the fact that they hear only reproaches: “Dinner failed”, “What kind of hairstyle you have today”, “You have not changed the light bulb.” Stop blaming when something did not work out. Praise when something happened: “What a delicious lunch today”, “You are so well done, I didn’t notice when you managed to fix the crane”, “You look good”

• Say pleasant words.Remember the candy-bouquet period of your relationship. After all, it was nice to hear “I love you”, “Come faster, I missed”, I love your jokes. ” You didn’t just be together. You were united by mutual feelings, so support their fire
• Smile.It is clear that sometimes after a working day I want to relax, and the mood wants the best. Arriving home, say: "Dear, I'm so tired, it's good that you are with me." Then hug your spouse/spouse and smile. You will see, such actions will return your relationship to former tenderness
• Farewell.No matter how hard you try to get away from the quarrels, they can still sometimes happen. If the quarrel has a unequivocal fault of one of the spouses - sorry. Of course, there is a limit to everything. But if the spouse’s fault is not very scary, then sorry. Maybe not right away, but sorry. But provided that your spouse is sincerely asked for this

• Do not remember the old grievances.If you have forgiven your beloved/beloved for his act, then rub this act from memory. Stop collecting all the mistakes of your half in your head. Otherwise, at every opportunity you will begin to reproach for what you have already been asked to forgive. Firstly, this will only increase the scale of each subsequent conflict. Secondly, the guilty party will not see the point of apologizing in the future
• Respect the hobbies of each other.If your half has a favorite hobby, then instead of words about its uselessness, praise how good it is in this: whether it is a hobby for tennis, manual trinkets or a computer game
• Remember that both are to blame for the conflict.Do you consider your half the perpetrators of all troubles? Listen to the second side and find where you are to blame
• Remember who you are for each other.When approaching the next quarrel or conflict, think: can you live without this person? If not, then give a negativity and follow the advice above

Help of psychologists in conflict resolution

• Once again, carefully study the tips above. Try to act in this way
• If the tips did not help you establish relationships, then contact a family psychologist
• Some general advice will not be enough when the conflict has already dragged on and includes many other conflicts. It is already difficult for spouses to figure out where and who was wrong
• Often, only one of the spouses agrees to the psychologist. Convince the second about the need to visit it to preserve the family
• See a few more tips from psychologists in the video below

Video on the topic: 12 ways to resolve conflicts. Conflicts in the family: the tips of the psychologist. Psychologist Vasiliev

Always remember that you have chosen each other. So you loved and did not want to live separately from each other. So now do not let life tests split your feelings and care for each other.

Video on the topic: Family psychologist Olga Shmeleva on how to survive family crises?