How to overcome the crisis in marriage - the advice of a psychologist

What reasons cause conflicts and quarrels in relations, how to overcome the crisis and preserve a harmonious family union - read about it in our article.

Content

Reasons for the development of crisis in marriage
- False phenomenon in marriage
- Causes of accumulation of fatigue: the main mistakes of partners in marriage
How to get out of a family crisis and save a marriage?
Video: Family crises. The advice of a psychologist, how to overcome the crisis and preserve marriage. Psychology of relations

The family is built on relationships, which for a long period of time undergo changes. Sometimes the development and strengthening of relations between spouses, sometimes cooling and family crisis.

Reasons for the development of crisis in marriage

People living together for a long time have a whole complex of feelings and emotions for a partner, both positive and sharply negative. The reasons for the problems and conflicts that arise can be a variety of factors, both very serious - betrayal, treason, and quite domestic - financial difficulties, housing disorder, rejection of everyday habits, etc.

In general, this situation can be called "fatigue in marriage." Fatigue in this context should not be understood in direct dependence on the number of joint years. Similar symptoms of a crisis of relationships can be observed after both after 3-5 and 15-18 years of marriage. The main sign is the reluctance of one, or both partners, to maintain a family union, i.e. It becomes simply unacceptable to stay together.

False phenomenon in marriage

As already noted, despite the completely different causes of dissatisfaction with each other, which over time turned into rejection and rejection, most couples have a similar “psychological drawing” of development - a phenomenon of fatigue in marriage.

At the very beginning of the relationship, the perception of the partner is filled with positive expectations from future family life. Previous personal experience creates the prerequisites for creating an alliance with a certain partner in a certain way, that is, a person who is most fully responsible for the chosen criteria.
Do not assume that only women tend to endow a partner with all the ideal qualities and strive for marriage, forgetting to remove the “pink glasses” in time. Men, perhaps less emotionally, but having the same set optimal attitudes, choose a partner corresponding to their expectations.
Both partners to one degree or another have some personal zones, which were not understood at some period of time, adopted by close people. This may concern children's fears, unresolved family conflicts, the moments of the need to choose, accept himself, determine self -esteem, etc. Such moments of inner loneliness and emotional cold will unconsciously try to compensate, approaching a partner. If the partner thereby corresponds to the “markers” of the formation of an ideal image, relationships begin to develop towards the creation of marriage.
In the first 2-3 years, all the expectations issued by the advance partner are working by self-enforcement. If something does not develop as planned, failures are perceived in a positive way. “Well, nothing, his mother still controls us every day, but soon he will grow up and will only listen to me.” "She is not yet interested in fishing, but will soon understand that this is my hobby".
The behavior features are interpreted exclusively as the positive qualities of a partner. The husband almost does not support the conversation, is silent and does not respond to the manifestation of his wife’s emotions - good, because he is so restrained, reliable and wise. The wife forgets about herself, devoting all the time to everyday concerns - fine, she is a wonderful mistress and a reliable friend.
After a certain period of time - sometimes after the birth of a child or under the influence of external circumstances, the attitude to the spouse begins to change, often in the exact opposite direction. A calm and balanced husband is perceived as a cold and callous, and a quick -tempered and emotional partner, as a home tyrant and an abuser. The flexible “home” wife now looks in the eyes of her husband with a groomed housewife without her own opinion, and the energetic and confident woman suddenly begins to suppress and control every step.

Moreover, most often the internal accumulation of claims and discontent in relation to the spouse occurs, which over time, or under the influence of a certain detonator, leads to a sharp splash.

Causes of accumulation of fatigue: the main mistakes of partners in marriage

What prevents the partners living together to inform each other about the existence of a particular problem, instead of accumulating expectations?

Psychologists identify 2 basic factors that form relationships in the family union - the level of differentiation and the level of anxiety of spouses.

This refers to the degree of internal differentiation (independence) of its own “I” among partners, which directly depends on emotional connections with the family from which each of the spouses comes. These factors are inversely dependent - the higher the alarm, the more differentiation decreases, i.e. The dependence on each other increases. This leads to even greater tension and loss of a sense of integrity and harmony of personality.

The reasons for the accumulation of fatigue and the main mistakes of partners in marriage:

Various kinds of family crises - the birth of a child, financial losses, health problems - inevitably increase anxiety and uncertainty. The spouses, discarding their own expectations from marriage, unconsciously return to the usual patterns of behavior, laid down from early childhood in their own family - the role of a man and a woman in the family, reactions to certain events, behavior in a stressful situation.
In such periods, there is disappointment in a fairy tale, invented by the imagination of a partner and himself next to him, and the stereotypical behavior prevails. The filter, through which all the attitude of a person passes, as if ceases to miss rainbow ideas about the future, hopes, dreams, and begins to highlight the negative qualities of each other.
The same pattern of behavior, dictated by family education and society, prevents the open contact with the partner. For example, a man is afraid to seem weak, uncertain, does not want to ask for help, although most often he needs moral support from his wife. The woman, feeling the detachment and coldness of her husband, occupies the position of the sufferer offended by the fate. Thus, the family falls into a vicious circle of mutual grievances, which, like a slow poison, poison every day.
During periods of crises, experiencing an internal need for emotional warmth, often a person falls into the very “zone of loneliness”, from which he sees only one way out - to stop everything that he does, to leave his partner, to gain freedom and himself.
Instead of helping each other and combining the efforts to get out of a difficult situation, both spouses in one form or another spill the accumulated negative against another, seeing in the husband/ wife the source of all their troubles and unrealized ambitions.

Thus, one can distinguish several main factors leading to the decay of the family:

Serious disagreements in fundamental issues - lifestyle, family values, raising children.
The action of internal circumstances, most often everyday problems, under the influence of which spouses leave the common comfort zone, cease to idealize each other, begin to perceive themselves and a partner, accumulate irritation.
The external pressure of the environment and social environment, which leads to a change in living conditions, instability, and increasing anxiety. Problems at work, underestimated social self -esteem, “participation” of relatives - all this has a strong negative impact that a splash in family conflicts finds.
Incorrect distribution of duties in the family - neglect of one or both spouses by household issues, or excessive overload of family members with care and responsibilities.
The insufficient degree of openness and trust between partners in the expression of feelings and needs, the lack of the ability of spouses to dialogue in conditions when circumstances require joint decision -making or finding an acceptable compromise.

All these factors lead to a loss of a sense of family security, the accumulation of internal stress, fatigue in relationships and thoughts about the need for divorce.

Fatuality in marriage is not a reason for a divorce

How to get out of a family crisis and save a marriage?

If you notice cooling and alienation, do not panic and do not rush to blame your spouse of all sins. First of all, it is necessary to understand that the moments when, it seems that your marriage will no longer save anything, absolutely all steam. For some, this drama ends with a gap, and for others-this is only a certain stage of relations, you only need to learn how to recognize the problem in time and correctly get out of the situation.

How to get out of a family crisis and save a marriage:

Review your own behavior, determine the moments when you were objectively wrong. Try to avoid such situations in the future when you showed disrespect for your partner, undeservedly offended, provoked emotional breakdown.
Give your partner more freedom. You are no longer in the period of the relationship when you need to spend every minute together, endlessly call your second half and control every step. Your spouse, like you, has the right to personal space, rest, hobbies, meetings with friends. Do not take a pointed look like you are still with the words "do what you want." This will spoil the mood and lead to another quarrel. Instead, support the hobby, make a pleasant gift (for example, accessories for fishing or bath, a subscription to a spa or a fitness club), calmly react to his/her desires. If your partner would like to deceive you or looking for a meeting with the side, he would find an opportunity to do it.
Look for general hobbies. By providing freedom, do not move away from each other. Try to determine joint goals, plans that will help you unite. It can be a joint vacation, a trip on vacation, repairs in the house or some kind of purchase. The main thing is that it would be interesting to both spouses, to make joint plans, to embody new ideas.
Do not get hung up on ideal relationships. The family union should not turn into an ultimate goal, which is necessary at all costs. Relations in marriage should be part of life, and not its only meaning. For a harmonious personality, both family well -being, raising children, and the social component are important - friendships, interesting work, career and personal growth. Couples who are trying to live “each other” quickly fade, because there is nothing to nourish such an attitude, they become boring and uninteresting.
Find positive qualities in the partner. Often we tend to notice and accumulate the negative characteristics of the partner, to remember for a long time resentment and quarrels. But any person has good qualities. Replace irritation with gratitude. Do not forget to say thanks and praise for help in household chores or a prepared lunch. Do not think it's stupid. In the soul, each of us remains a child who needs approval, and not constant criticism.
Try to talk more. No matter how trite it may sound, learn to listen to each other. It is the unspoken disagreements and claims that first lead to the accumulation of tension, and then - inner void, the loss of meaning in the need for marriage. Of course, you do not need to ask every minute “what do you think about?”, Or endlessly to chatter about completely unimportant trifles. It is necessary to learn to react sensitively to the behavior of a partner, to conduct any conversation calmly, without reproaches and switching to emotions. More consult with each other, especially with regard to the adoption of any decision, learn to understand the needs of the partner, to agree in case of disagreement.
Restore full -fledged sexual relations with a partner. Sometimes, under the influence of the physical and moral fatigue, the spouses move away, cease to experience sexual attraction. The refusal of intimacy is also used by many women as a method of punishment or pressure on a partner. This is a big mistake, which over time will only lead to one outcome - treason as an attempt to assertion. Then the relationship crosses the line behind which spouses cease to see a sexual partner in each other. Try to restore harmony in your intimate life, do not forget about the desires and needs of your spouse, again become interesting and desirable for him.
Pay attention to everyday little things. Your house or apartment is a place that personifies your understanding of the family hearth. Create it so that all family members feel joy and peace while at home. Remove old things and unnecessary trash, add light tones and bright accessories, keep clean and comfort in the kitchen, constantly maintain order. Do not forget to take care of yourself - well -groomed appearance, beautiful clothes not only for work, but also for home. Arrange family holidays, picnics, inviting friends and loved ones. All this creates an atmosphere of novelty of lightness, does not allow to fall into the routine and a dreary existence.
If you yourself cannot find a way out of this situation, and your partner does not want to make contact, contact a family psychologist. This may be a good way out if the partner does not consider it possible to express his feelings directly, does not understand his own desires, and is under pressure from circumstances. Then the third party - a professional with an independent look at the situation will help determine the source of the problem and find solutions.